Evidence that I have too much time on my hands

We've been receiving quite a bit of mail meant for the former tenants of our apartment. First some mail from a local church addressed to one "Mary Braden*" arrived. Shortly thereafter, we got a copy of "Whiskey Advocate," addressed to a "Chase McCollum." I commented to Scott that clearly, Mary was praying for Chase's pickled soul. I had their sad, doomed relationship all figured out. No wonder they moved!

But then the next week our mailbox included a Coupon Valu-Pak for "Tiffany Nashimoro." Then it occurred to me: a prematurely aborted season of Real World: Brooklyn took place in this apartment.

It would have been the saddest season ever. Those poor kids, cramming themselves into a mere two-bedroom, nary a jacuzzi nor sex swing in sight (they have sex swings in the Real World, right?). Trapped together on a quiet, family-oriented block. Why weren't they in Williamsburg? Who did this to them?

Obviously Mary was the awkward, sheltered Catholic girl, living away from her parents for the first time--and in New York City, no less! And we all know that Chase was the womanizer with a burgeoning drinking problem and a deep-seated anger even he couldn't fathom. Then of course there's shopaholic Tiffany, whose compulsive spending masked an insecurity borne from her slight but noticeable difference in leg length.

A few days after Tiffany's mail showed up, we received health-insurance correspondence for yet another former resident: Erick Ramirez.

Now I just think someone's toying with me.

Next I predict we'll be receiving mail addressed to Ntozake Hoyes-Zimmerman (talented spoken-word performer of African-Jamaican-German descent, haunted by childhood kidnapping) and of course Brock Dodgson (wealthy Southern boy whose family can't accept his bisexual identity). I'll let you know what happens.

*(I changed the names, but only slightly. Only slightly!)

Comments

[Mauigirl]

Love it! I look forward to the next installment when still more mail arrives!

[Amigurumigirl]

hahaha You could write a TV pilot. The Days of Our Post, As the Post Turns? General Post... I'm lame at thinking up things...

[Betty]

When we moved into our current place, we started getting post under six different names (not including our own). Eventually we realised what was happening: our neighbourhood contains a road and another block of apartments with the same name as our block of apartments; so there are three places with basically the same address, and the postman distributes everyone's post at random. Could it be the same problem at your place?

[puncturedbicycle]

Ooh, this is happening to us too, but the former owners of our house have absconded owing crazy sums of money to various people, who have somewhat belatedly begun to try to collect it. Apparently, Old Addressees are now using our (their former) address as their forwarding/new address so we are getting new waves of bills/bailiffs letters even after living here for more than two years. Their post is like a special little window into their criminal minds.

[sara]

this slayed me!

[adhocmom]

We get invited to about five very fancy weddings every "season." Except we don't -- the previous tenants of our apartment do. Seven years in this place and the invites keep pouring in. . .

[norm]

We've been in our place ten years and we occasionally still get junk mail for previous tenants. Those people ... bought some strange stuff, I tell you what.

[Mary]

Oh I love having you back! What an entertaining post you have here. Can't wait for more. -Mary (formerly awkward, formerly sheltered, formerly Catholic, yet somehow never on The Real World)

[kate]

You are in rare form. All of these lat three or four posts were right up there with the one about exercise and donuts, which still makes me snort when I think about it. Yay! Enjoy!

[Crystal D]

Hilarious! I used to joke about all the bizarre mail we used to get when we were in different DC apartments. People are strange and their mail is stranger.

[Lindy]

Teehee... I love Brock Dodgson. I'm an old-school Southern girl from way down South. I grew up with Corde, Candler, Clarkson, Aiken, Asa, Margaret Jane, Bizza Blake, Libba Ruth and I better stop in case any of my childhood friends read this and know who I am. But thanks for the giggle!

[Alexandra]

No matter what you write about, it's funny.

This has happened to me when I've moved, but I was never this funny about it.

It was just wrong mail to me, not brilliant blog fodder, as you've made this to be.

[JennyM]

Hey, I think I know Brock Dodgson.

We have lived in our house for seven years and still get dividend reports meant for the (long dead) previous owner and calls/mail for someone I don't think was ever living at our house but who apparently does not pay her bills and frequently missed court dates.

[die Frau]

Silently roaring at my desk right now!

We don't get interesting mail, but at my old apartment in VA, I used to occasionally get collect calls from the Virginia Correctional Facility for Angela from an inmate named "Marty". I did not accept the charges.

You seem worlds happier, by the way, and I'm so glad.

[Lisa]

Just wanted to say you are hilarious. Your writing makes me laugh out loud and I love reading your blog. That's all!

[Heather]

When I was in highschool I got a new phone number and began receiving phone calls for the person who had the number before me. Apparently this woman did not pay her bills as most of them were collection calls. It became such a joke among me and my friends that I even changed my answering machine to say something along the lines of if you are calling for "So and So" contrary to popular belief this is not their number.

It is kind of fun to imagine what the former tenants were like and up to though. I look forward to hearing what other sorts of interesting items show up at your apartment.

[Kate@And Then I Was a Mom]

I'm pretty sure Erick was the outcast in the group. I mean, everyone knows not to trust a person with an unnecessary extra consonant in their name.

[barbara]

The day we moved in, a lovely neighbor swung by to tell us about the first owners, who were killed in a widely-publicized mass murder.

One week after we moved in, police came by, looking for former tenants (outstanding warrants!).

One month later, mail from a currently incarcerated person started showing up in the mailbox (he was convicted of murder).

And then we found counterfeit money in the fireplace.

I dig in the garden with my fingers crossed, because finding human remains seem the next logical step.

[Sandee]

You are high-larious!!!!

[Zina]

I just realized that, nigh-on to seven years later, we have finally stopped getting mail for the previous homeowners--even the IRS has apparently finally given up. I was getting very, very tired of writing "Return to Sender--Addressee has not lived at this location for more than [x] years."

Oh--the worst was when I called up Capital One to ask them to stop sending credit card solicitations to the person who didn't live here and they said that since I was not that person I couldn't make that request--even though it WAS my address! The. nerve. Like someone's going to magically sign up for a credit card if they just keep sending them! It turns out the only way to get them to stop sending them is by using the Return to Sender method described above. Such efficiency, eh?

[indigo45fly]

This was awesome! Lots of LOL

[Christina]

On the edge of my seat with popcorn. I love finding people that think like I do. Keep up the good work. This has real potentional!

[Valentina]

Ntozake sounds like my kind of guy. He would bring me to spoken word performances after eating chicken jerky in a Jamaican restaurant.
Bring it on!
LOL

[Steph]

Since we've moved 3 times in a year we've had this too. The last house we lived in had a lot of mail come for the previous tenants because they left no forwarding order. Some of it was REALLY interesting looking from the outside. I wanted to open it so bad!! My hubby is a kill joy though and wouldn't let me!!