The night before last

I woke up at 3 am to the sound of Henry calling for me. I stumbled into his room, reassured him that I was alive, stomped back to bed, lay there wide awake for what seemed like hours, finally dropped back into blissful slumber, then heard him calling me again. I nudged Scott and explained that his son was calling for him and if he was a sensitive and loving father he would run to his side. He totally bought that line and made his way to Henry’s room, showed Henry that he, too, was alive, and I heard him stumbling back to our room and then I heard a terrible sound. It was the sound of a delicate foot-part slamming into a heavy piece of furniture.

There was a millisecond of silence and then a string of expletives. This is normal procedure for Scott, who is well-known in these parts for taking out his anger on inanimate objects. He can usually be found instructing God to damn a computer to hell or unleashing brutal verbal abuse on a hinky small appliance. I could tell from the sound and the ensuing tenor of the cursing, though, that this particular injury was beyond the usual stubbed toe. This was bad. I wondered, from the comfort of the bed, if he had broken his toe. I considered getting up and helping him out, but on the other hand the bed was warm. I decided to wait it out. I heard him making his way to the bathroom, I assumed to check out his injuries in a well-lit place, and there was much hissing and gasping and cursing. I really should get up, I thought, and did not move an inch. Because really, what could I do? Wring my hands while he bandaged himself?

As I considered what a good wife I was, keeping the faith that he could help himself and in the process getting some much-needed rest so I could tend to the household tomorrow while he nursed his painful foot-wounds, I heard a crash. Actually it was more like a series of crashes, like all the furniture in the bathroom had come tumbling down. Except we don’t have furniture in the bathroom. I braced myself for the onslaught of cursing that would undoubtedly follow whatever it was that probably just landed on or near my husband, but I heard…nothing. Silence! Well, he’s handling that well, I thought. Just cleaning up the mess, without cursing and…

I sat up. My husband has never in his life taken events in stride. Especially when he already has what sounds like a painful injury. The silence continued. Shit.

I made my way through the dark hallway toward the lit bathroom, and then had what I referred to later as my Law & Order moment: turning the corner to see Scott sprawled, unconscious, on the bathroom tile. There were a couple of small puddles of blood a few inches from his arm, and a streak of blood across the cabinet. I would have been more alarmed if it hadn’t been for the small smile that was playing across my husband’s face, as if he were in the middle of a lovely dream, while his hand, now alarmingly close to all that blood, pawed the air. Did he think he was petting the dog?

I crouched down by him. “Honey,” I said.
He opened his eyes. “What?”
“You fainted,” I explained to him.
“I did it again?” he said.
Scott’s fainted a couple of times, the last time almost exactly a year ago, also in the bathroom, although that time he had been under the weather and not nursing a bloody toe. We ended up hanging out in the ER for hours and hours that time, only for the doctors to tell us that he was completely fine.
So this time, I wasn’t too alarmed. Only I knew that if he got up, he’d probably faint again, because that seems to be his way. And he was trying to get up.
“I’m okay,” he said.
“You’re not,” I said. “You’re lying on the bathroom floor. Stay down.”
Then we heard Henry open his door and amble over. “Hey, guys, what’s all the racket?” he asked, and then saw his dad lying on the ground surrounded by blood. He appeared…concerned.
“It’s okay,” I told him.
“It’s okay!” Scott repeated. “It’s okay!” His face was completely gray by now, and shiny with sweat.
“What’s wrong with Dad?” Henry said, his lower lip starting to tremble.

We then entered the wacky hijinks phase of the evening, in which I tried to reassure Henry that his father was, despite all the blood and the nearing-death quality of his face, actually fine, and also keep Scott from getting up and, in the process, pass out again and this time crack his head open, which was really the last thing we needed. I had to get Henry out of the bathroom and back into bed, and at the same time keep Scott lying down for little while longer, and while I was in Henry’s room comforting him and explaining low blood pressure and fainting and also how sometimes a little blood, strategically placed, looks like a lot of blood, Scott was in the bathroom, inexplicably calling out I’M OKAY to the Universe, and I kept shouting DO NOT GET UP WAIT FOR ME, and possibly the alarm in my voice kept Henry from dropping back into slumber, and then I got Henry to laugh by poking a little fun at his dad's fainting tendencies, and it was going well until I used the phrase “ripped his toenail off” and made Henry weep for Scott’s toenail, weep as if it were his very own, and I had to comfort him all over again and then get back to the bathroom because Scott was all I’M GETTING UP, and for some reason he went over to the couch, which was far from the bedroom and in the exact opposite place he needed to be, and then I went back to Henry who was now mourning Scott’s toe AND freaking out over the blood, and it’s amazing that any of us got any sleep that night.

But we did. In the end, Scott’s poor pinky toe was bandaged, his healthful glow returned to his face, and he managed to get to Henry’s room to reassure him and then get back to bed, and Henry fell asleep, and then I did, somehow, eventually. And the next day the source of the original injury—a heavy wood file box, which had been emptied and left in the hallway so that it could be thrown out—was taken outside and tossed to the curb, where it could never hurt anyone again.

Comments

[Deana Birks]

I used to have fainting spells when I was a teen. One morning I was putting contacts in and fainted backwards into a bathtub. My mom was asleep and she came running because of the amplified sound. She didn't appreciate it when the doctor told her there was nothing wrong with me and that I might be faking it for attention. She'd seen me pass out a few times and hit the ground *hard* and she knew darn well no one would fake that.

One thing that helps is protein. If the last thing I ate was sugary I'm more like to faint than if I've had protein. A simple handful of peanuts could help. The worst thing to eat are those "energy bars". Even when they're sweetened with fruit juice and supposedly healthy, they can lead to fainting spells.

Hope he feels better!

[joaaanna]

See! This! This is why you are the best writer out there. This story completely cracked me up. Although now I feel kind of like an asshole for laughing at your husband's injuries. Glad everyone is okay!

[Melindawentzel]

OMG. I so completely identify w/ Scott's excruciating pain (but thankfully, I didn't faint). I, too, had a recent and categorically horrendous toe-incident, although I actually broke the stupid thing. The colors were pretty. I will say that.

Please do encourage him to read my post (The Purple of Penance) so he will be comforted by the knowledge that others "feel his pain." Here's the link (http://melindawentzel.com/the-good-silverware/), but he'll need to scroll down on that page to the very last article.

And yes, the particular hue that my pitiful toe adopted was perfectly suited for the Lenten season. And no, I did NOT attend the celebrated foot-washing. I feared people would recoil in horror.

[Amigurumigirl]

So happy to see you back. ;) And such a wonderfully funny entry! Of course, it wasn't funny when it was happening, but you sure are able to put things over in a light tone. Made my day at least. Yes, reading about your pain and misery made my day. MUAHAHAHA ;) love you!

[Sue]

you are a great writer.........brighten my day.......please keep it up!

[Missy]

As a fainter I've put my husband in similar situations to the one in which you found yourself. We've discussed what will happen if either of the kids ever witness a "spell."

After reading this post and laughing (my apologies to Scott for laughing at him, but I think one fainter can laugh at another), I feel better. I'm still not wild about the idea of my little guys having to see me at my pasty, clammy worst, but I'm now certain that we will find some humor in the event, too.

[Melinda]

I love the way you tell a story; I can totally picture it in my head. Oh the drama of a man getting hurt. My husband is prone to dramatic injuries and illness, usually resulting in me not getting any sleep all night while I tell him he is not in fact going to die from a bloody nose. Good thing they have us women around to hold everything together.

[MuseOddity]

HAHA, this is the story of my life. I faint. Everywhere. They don't even let me have my drivers license sometimes when I am going through a really bad spell of freuent faints. I know, all to well, about this condition and at it's worse for me it happens almost daily so I am not making light of your husband. On the other hand, thank God someone besides myself has fainted in the bathroom!

[Erin Heriford]

"Inexplicably calling out I’M OKAY to the Universe..."

I will be trying to quiet my hysterical laughter every time I think of this line for the rest of the day, lest my cube farm neighbors start to think I'm even more of a weirdo than they already do.

[SuzRocks]

ohhhhh! I feel somewhat guilty about laughing but I laughed REALLLY REALLY hard!

Glad that he's okay though....

[Lisa Sanford]

ooohhh...that was funny. My favorite part was when you were in bed trying to decide if it was worth getting up. I've had those moments!

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

That sounds terrifying. For all involved. So glad you guys are okay and you got rid of the murderous box.

[jennie w.]

I have a husband who doesn't take anything in stride either. Fortunately he's not a fainter, just a hypochondriac.

[Steph]

Wow, I know I shouldn't be laughing but I am because I can totally picture that scene in my house! I would have stayed in bed too, but then when I did get up and get to my hubby he would have been all about making me feel bad for not getting right up to see if he was OK.

[mar]

My daughter used to faint at the sight of blood - her blood, anyone's blood. Lose a tooth? Swan dive, please! We used to talk about her being a Victorian maid in a former life, getting the "vapors" and taking to her bed at the mere thought of blood.... still scary to watch though!

Fortunately, she's outgrown it (now aged 10). Thank goodness, because having kids of her own at some point was going to be problematic for her ....

Glad to here Scott's ok. Although I bet next time you won't be so quick to ask him to tend to Henry in the middle of the night ... ;-)

[Tina]

This is why I love to read your blog...that is hilarious. Is it ok to laugh at your husband's injury and tendency to faint. Because seriously...that is funny.
Once while vacationing in Jamaica, my husband got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. He woke me up with loud cursing and yelling. He had broken his big toe.....by stepping on it with his other foot? I failed to comfort him because I was laughing so hard. How does one break a toe by stepping on it with the other foot?

Best,
Tina

[Yolanda]

This? This was brilliant. Thank you for coming back to the page, despite all the turmoil.

[bluejeanamy]

so glad you're back! you = best writer on the internets - truly.

(oh and hope scott's feeling better! once i fainted, as an adult, in a pediatrician's office. they whisked me away so as to not "scare the children" -- it didn't work.)

[Andrea]

THAT was an awesome story, despite the fact that it happened to you and that's a bummer. When I was a kid and I'd stub my toe or hit my head on something, my dad would smack the innanimate object and say, "bad chair" (or whatever is was). It always made me laugh and feel better. Maybe you should do that for Scott?

[Jennifer]

"My husband has never in his life taken events in stride."
What a great line.

(I also felt guilty for laughing so much!)

[Erika]

OMG, I was laughing hysterically until I got to the part about his grey face, at which point I started worrying that he'd ended up in the ER w/ a heart attack, and then I felt guilty for laughing.

Thank you for making it okay to laugh again.

[Angela]

See? I was laughing (whee!) until I got to the ripping off of the toenail thing. (And now *I'm* mourning the toe and freaking out over the blood.)

[Molly]

This happened to me, when I was sick once, except I knocked out two front teeth and had to have them put back in at the ER. (Note to anyone who finds someone this position: in the event of knocked out teeth, soak the teeth in milk and put them back in their sockets, then get to a doctor!). It almost makes me sympathetic to people who carpet their bathrooms. Almost.

Also the really surreal thing is how happy you can be when coming out of a faint. I remember groggily thinking "I wonder whose blood this all is? It couldn't be mine, I feel so rested and refreshed."

[Amye]

Hilarity, thank you!

[Megan]

I almost wish it had been the big toe for all the trouble it caused...but the PINKY?!

[Katerina]

Oh dear lord, this was hilarious but also terrifying! I felt bad for Scott and for poor sweet Henry who seems to have more empathy than about 99% of humanity. I hope he gets a really nice girlfriend one day, and that the world will be kind to him.
I also felt bad for you, but only a tiny bit, but if you can write like this you must be feeling loads and loads better.
It was also pretty damn funny but I needed to exhale before I could laugh.

[Daddy Scratches]

You know, it's funny that you tell such a story, because I was going to recommend that you orchestrate something almost exactly like this incident to help you with your recent bout of PTSD ... because it sounds like just the sort of thing you need right now.

Oy vey.

[hi kooky]

You totally got your neighbors back with this one. Well done, Scott!

[Scott]

I feel I should reiterate this detail: this incident was from low blood pressure—NOT the sight of my blood, nor the pain of my wound. (I see my blood all the time. Because I'm Slim Goodbody. And I've REALLY let myself go.)

But let me not to the marriage of laffs & readers admit impediments. Except for my dad, I'm the only man I've ever heard of who's had fainting spells. I WEAR THAT DISTINCTION LIKE AN UNMANLY MEDAL!

Thanks for all your concern and well-wishes, nice people. The toe's fine, and Alice has turned my humiliation into a treat we can all enjoy!

[Lisa]

Well, my first grade son fainted dead away in computer class when the teacher was giving a little lesson on cleaning our hands so as not to transmit pink eye... poor kid hit his head going down and still bears the scar today. (And has fainted again a few times since.) I thank YOU, Scott, for your good humor and for setting a good example of Men Who Faint and Are Loud and Proud!! And Alice, your writing is excellent as usual - so glad you are feeling better...

[Alexandra]

Oh, good, now I no longer have to carry the burden of thinking I'm the worst wife in the world.

Guilt makes me do a lot of things that I wouldn't otherwise. Not love, not fear, no..the big motivator in my life is guilt. That will pull me out of a warm bed in the middle of the night.

[Julie]

I'm in full agreement that you write the best stories! I'm sorry for Scott's trauma and all of the difficulties of late.

Last time I fainted I was about to have a lumpectomy but they had to insert some needles about 30 minutes pre-surgery. So I sat on a stool squished to high heaven in the mamo-machine as the doc guided some needles in. It wasn't pain but am extremely bizarre feeling of invasion that overtook me then I was out. I woke lying on the floor with no idea where I was - just 3 women yelling at me. When I started to move one of them told me not to as there were needles sticking out of my breast. That detail seemed in keeping with the bizarro episode playing out. I was told later that they never allowed partners to come in for the needle part (my husband had asked to come in) as too many of those non-patients have fainted.

[twojams (Shannon)]

What a great story. I laughed, I cried, I sympathized. Also, has anyone else mentioned what a great word "hinky" is?

[Katka]

hillarious :) sorry about laughing at your poor husband's toe :) and I have a friend who's brother will faint at the sight of an injection needle so no worries, you are not alone out there scott :)

[edj]

Well! Never a dull moment, eh?

[WendyPinNJ]

OY! Hijinks indeed!

[Carol]

I love this story. Thanks for being back! I will add to the general fainting pool of stories, if I may.

My favourite fainting story is when a friend of mine was brushing her teeth and then woke up on the floor in the bathroom. She was sharing an apartment, and her roommate was home at the time.

My friend: "Didn't you hear a big crash or anything?"
Roommate: "Yeah, but I asked you if you were ok, and you didn't answer, so I figured you were fine."

[Kristen]

You just gave me the shivers.

A year and a half ago my husband opened a heavy metal door on my foot and tore off the big toenail on my right foot. I proceeded to scream like he was killing me and caused my neighbors to run outside to find out what was going on. I informed him that he would now be picking up our youngest from daycare and drove myself to the minor injury clinic. Turns out because of the way it tore they had to REINSERT the nail so that the nail would grow back in correctly and tape it down. Stupid thing didn't grow back for 8 months. My sister came over all the time to clean it for me and change the dressings because she's a vet tech and I would feel nauseated from looking at it.

Long story short, shivers I tell you.

[Whozat]

@Carol's story reminds me of the time I caught my pinky toe on the high chair and, while not actually injured, it hurt like hell.

I was cursing and shouting and perhaps pounding a fist into the wall, and my partner was sitting in the other room on the computer.

Which, added to the pain, really pissed me off.

I told her, "You could've at least asked if I was okay!"

To which she responsed, in all sincerity, "Well, obviously, you weren't."

[sparkyd]

Oh my Lord that was funny. Not that people fainting or getting hurt is funny. Except when it totally is. After the fact - once we know everyone is OK.

So good.

[Brooke, currently in Vegas. Why? Why, Vegas?]

Oh! You darling girl. Darling, darling girl.

I am in Las Vegas for a work thing. The Americans, they dress extremely poorly here. So much so that I have to distance myself from them by saying "The Americans" as if I was not a full-blooded cracker, myself.

[Amy]

OH, ouch. And yuck. And, somehow, really funny.

[Sarah]

Ok, first, HI-larious post. Which is great since I'm up with a one-month-old in the middle of the night and it's either laugh or cry.

And second, we also have had an ungainly bathroom fainting incident around here. Except my husband passed out because he peed too fast. And he's 6'4" and 250+ pounds, which makes a really loud thud at 6 something in the morning. And we didn't realize peeing could make you faint (oh but it can) and ended up getting loads of unnecessary (ie, really expensive) medical tests and ironically, a prescripton for beta blockers. At least now you're guaranteed not to faint.

[melanirae]

that is some freaky shit. my bf hit his thumb with a hammer once, and went to the toilet to get sit and look at it. i followed. as i was crouched down in front of him he suddenly slumped. FUCK! trying to move a 6'2, 180ls of dead weight stuck between a the toilet and wall was impossible. Luckily he was only out for a few seconds. apparently when he saw the blood it did his head in and he fainted. what a pussy. ;)

[Leslie]

Please please PLEASE start a band called Alice and the Wacky Hijinks Phase. I'll sing back up. I have a wicked girl-band-high-kick. We'll make millions.

[Jenny]

I'm so glad everyone made it through the night okay, Scott's toe notwithstanding. I'm a fainter too, having passed out in places such as church, theme parks, football games, restaurants and friends' houses. It's quite the party trick!

[Kate]

When I was in high school, the Red Cross did a blood drive, and I was so psyched to finally be old enough to give blood. There should probably have been a sense of foreboding when they couldn't find my pulse (my BP holds steady at 90/60). They took my blood, I felt fine, until an hour later in calculus class when I started to feel nauseous. I stood up, walked across the front of the room to go to the bathroom, and fainted just as I was about to open the door, which was ajar. And that was how I closed a door WITH MY FACE.

[amanda]

That was the happiest, tidiest little bow of an ending. Loved it!

[victoria]

Alice, this was hilarious, and exciting. I love your description of lying in bed, congratulating yourself on being a good wife, listening to Scott curse in the next rom.

And I am so, so, so happy your PTSD has retreated. Yay!

Also, Happy Earth Day. -victoria

[Diana]

I laughed so hard, but felt guilty at the same time... the situation is not funny when you just look at the situation, but your humorous approach... ah, priceless! Thank you!