Better!

My brains have calmed down quite a bit. It was touch and go for a while there. I kept pacing the apartment and gnawing on my knuckles and informing Scott in a hoarse whisper that I was going mad. It’s times like these that I wish I had an ivory floor-length nightgown. My wandering from room to room seems less haunting and eerie when I’m wearing polka-dotted flannel jammie-jams.

My ace team of mental-health professionals, whom I love and cherish and never want to let go, are, sadly, all in New Jersey (NEW JERSEY! I shake my fist at thee!) so I’ve been consulting with them by phone. During one of our phone consults, after she listened to me natter on about my inability to sleep and tendency to jump out of my skin whenever anyone slammed a door and also how I kept checking my pulse and it wasn’t high high but, I mean, high for me, my head-drugs-doctor suggested a drug I thought was only used on honest-to-God psychotics, and nothing against those guys but I really didn’t want the drugs that would turn me soft and glassy-eyed and stroking my chenille throw all day long. I mean, I may have been jumping to some uninformed conclusions, sure. So after I informed my doctor that I was not about to ingest metal salts that Kurt Cobain wrote songs about, thankyouverymuch, and maybe after I hung up on her, she called back and suggested we try beta blockers for now. Which I thought was hilarious because my blood pressure is 90/70 when I’m at my most stressed, so I thought beta blockers would kill me dead. I pictured my blood pooling in my ankles every time I stood up. But at that point I was willing to try anything, and she’s the expert, am I right? so I agreed.

And oh my word! These beta blockers have taken the edge off in an amazing and awesome way. I use “awesome” a lot, now that I’m on beta blockers. I’ve lost all use of my critical faculties, sure, but on the other hand I’m feeling smooth and groovy. Which is super. What was I talking about? I was just staring at the letter G on the keyboard. Is it not the best letter? It’s like, you think it’s a C, and then WHOA! That little curvy jag there changes things in a big and awesome way!

Oh, but I kid. I didn’t even take one today, is how much better I’m feeling. (Full disclosure: I will probably take one right now. Because the neighbors, they do love to slam the doors, and there’s a lot of door-slamming going on tonight, and already I can feel my heart rate increasing.) I have gone at least 48 hours without any intrusive thoughts or hyperventilating at all! I am also eating real food (kind of a lot of real food, in fact) and my stomach feels fine! It’s a Christmas miracle!

I tried to respond to all the emails I received, but there were over 700, and my doctors seemed especially concerned for me when I mentioned how I was trying to write back to everyone. So thank you, if you didn’t hear from me. I read them all—some of them more than once—and saved them in a special folder, and I intend to read them again, if and when I need to. Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Comments

[Megsie]

Welcome back! I was worried about you, and I missed you, and I am glad that the beta blockers have kicked some ass!

[Yolanda]

I’m glad you’re still here and that what felt bad is now starting to feel better. And I wish I was one of the 700 who wrote. But as a still easily triggered PTSD sufferer, myself. I just couldn’t stop thinking about my own walls crushing in to reach out enough to let you know you are so, so not alone.

[Monica]

I'm glad you're feeling better!

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

So very glad that you are feeling better. So very sorry that you are having to deal with those neighbors.

Thinking of you.

[Holly]

Yay, glad you are feeling better!

[Tina]

Glad you found something that worked for you. Take care!
Tina

[Jen]

Yay for beta blockers! Maybe you could come up with a cheer in your head...like "Lets. Go. Block those betas. LETS. GO. BLOCK THOSE BETAS!!

I have no idea where this came from. I heard it as a cheerleading cheer. I'm also weird like that, but it made sense in my head. In any case, YAY for feeling better!

[Kirsten Kolding]

Okay so I'm not even going to comment on all the big life-changing stuff, and how great it is to see a post from you, and how I'm glad things are better and how much I know we all care about how you are doing, etc. I just wanted to say that this post was *really* well written and funny. Thank you!

[Sarah]

I almost wrote you suggesting beta blockers but I didn't think you needed any more input. There was a piece on 60 minutes about beta blockers for PTSD http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/11/22/60minutes/main2205629.shtml

Its a tad sensationalist and oversimplified, and of course they have to present "both" sides but really the anti beta blocker people are so heartless that it just makes the pro point even stronger. I remember one of the PTSD sufferers in the video saying something like "please don't tell me I can't take this drug, it helps me so much."

I take propranol. It helps me so much, too.

[kaylen]

I've been away - first I was swamped at work and then I was on a much-needed vacation but I'm glad to hear you are doing better!!

I literally lol'd when I read about how the G is a C and then BAM-it's suddenly totally different! Hilarious.

[Kari]

"it's a Christmas miracle!" - hahaha, best quote ever. Glad your back and seducing me with talk of beta blockers.

[Summer]

Oh my gosh Alice, I have totally been thinking about you through all of this...

I went through the most INSANE time of my life a few years ago with the WORST kind of anxiety (have a feeling you know about that).

Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't sit, or stand....and every ten minutes I was in the bathroom.

Good to know, right?

Just gotta speak the truth.

But, it was honestly THE WORST time of my life, and the longest month of my life by far. In fact, I swear my husband was about to commit me....if only he could have removed me from the bathroom long enough...

Anyway, to this day when I hear of someone suffering like I had, I literally want to poo for them...because I know it is just that bad.
The anxiety...not the poo. Although, yes, that is bad too.

Now, lets talk beta blockers, and how I can get them because I totally want my G to look all groovy and awesome too. =)

[motheroad]

I can't e-mail you, for complicated reasons involving my *^&%$%&$^%$#%^^!!! computer, but I've been hurling happy thoughts at you every day, all the way to wherever it is that you live. And to show my unfettered support, I even went out and got a copy of Sleep Is for the Weak, so I could read your clever, clever thoughts and laugh so hard I annoyed my husband while he was watching an Earth Day documentary on PBS.

I'm glad you're out from under the blankets.

[Emily]

I've been sending good thoughts your way. So glad you're doing better!

[Alexandra]

Oh, you make everything funny.

Just loving you from over here, Alice.

And, I know, the meds take the edge off. That anxiety is UNSAFE STUFF. I know I'm not safe behind the wheel of a car when I'm panting and wild eyed (probably just me...but so what.)

Glad you're better!!

And beta blockers are AWESOME.

[Ashley]

Congrats, Alice! You have effectively punched PTSD in the mouth. Good job! I'm well on my way to doing the same. Go us! We are awesome.

[Laura]

Hooray! So glad you are on the mend!

[Marinka]

I'm so glad that you're feeling better! And that you don't have an ivory floor length nightgown.

I like Q better.

[Danny]

You know I dreamt about you last night.
You stopped by at my office and took some food with you for the entire floor.
You only stayed very briefly, because you were of to serve more food to more people.

I think this means your doctors are right: you can't take care of everyone. For now, just try to take care of you.
Glad you are feeling better!

[Kathleen]

Ok, I can exhale now.
Thanks to your picture posts, I was reassured you were out there, but now I know you are managing! Getting good drugs!
YAY!

[beth aka confusedhomemaker]

I am glad you are doing better. Continue to take care of yourself, take time & focus on what is in the moment.

Having been through the skin crawling & the feeling like I could lay down & stay down, I've learned it's important to take care of you or you can't do anything for anyone else.

And awesome is a word you have to over use on meds, at least from my experience ;)

[Mary P (Barnmaven)]

I'm glad you're back and feeling more like yourself. I've a sneaking hunch people will understand not getting a direct response. I would find 20 emails overwhelming...700 would have me reaching for the vodka.

[Leslie]

Thank you for the update. It's great that you were able to find something that works for you.
Perhaps your door-slamming neighbors could *also* use some beta-blockers. Just sayin'...

[#1 fan]

Hi,

did any of the emails say that we love you? because we do. we love you so much, we don't need you to write us back.

i am disappointed in myself in not voting to make you #1 funniest mom blogger at babble. Although #8 is quite respectable. (but you're #1 at meandmy#1opinions.com)

[hi kooky]

Yay!

[Melinda]

I am very glad that you are on your way to feeling better. Awesome is a good word to overuse. Much better than overusing "doom" or "I pity the fool."

[a]

Glad the beta blockers are working - now for banishing anxiety completely! Let me know if you figure that one out.

I agree with the above commenter...Q is far more interesting than G.

[Alice Bradley]

Listen, I think we can ALL AGREE that Q is superior, but I was making a joke about being on DRUGS, and what do you see when you look down at your keyboard? What letter is right there in the middle?  

Next post I will tackle banishing anxiety completely. 

[HouseofJules]

Hurray!

[bec]

Glad to hear that you're on the mend!

As one of the 700 (wow!), please know that the e-mails were sent purely as good wishes. No response is necessary. Your taking care of yourself and your family is more than enough response. A new perfectly-crafted post is icing on the cake!

[Missy]

So glad you're back!

[Lee Anne]

I started taking beta blockers for anxiety about two months ago--only 10mg a day. And, boy howdy, it does take the edge off without turning me into a zombie. So glad that these are working for you, too!

[Katerina]

Hooray Alice! Yippeee! So glad!

700 e-mails! Well, I think just knowing that number should have helped. You didn't even need to read them, you super special snowflake you.

[Joanne Edmundson]

Oh it's good to have you back. Anyone who can make people laugh out loud about beta blockers and the letter G should get at least 700 letters from relative strangers telling her she's missed - I'm so happy to know you're feeling better. x

[Diana]

I think those 700 wrote specifically to send you good vibes and make you feel better, not to put more pressure on you. ERGO: DO NOT ANSWER. Or pick 5 (ONLY 5) to answer, simply because they inspire that. Have fun with aswering or do not do it at all.

The End

PS: I wrote, and I say (dramatically) DO NOT ANSWER.

[Debbie W.]

You make beta blockers sound like what I imagine quaaludes are like. You know, downers? Greenies? Flop-junk? Dopesters?

I have no idea what I'm talking about. Glad you are feeling better, however.

[Erika]

At least you weren't crawling around the edges of the room, tearing large strips off of the wallpaper!

Glad to hear you're doing better...

[madge]

Oh, good.

Whatever, Q-people. G is the clear winner.

[Laurie]

I'm glad you're back and feeling better. I've been worried about you - my husband has similar anxiety issues. No matter how puzzling, frightening, and I'll admit exasperating, it is to watch someone you love be so miserable - I always think how terrifying it must be when it's happening to YOU.

[Heather]

Glad to hear you're feeling better! And, I'm always shaking my fist at New Jersey (it probably has something to do with the fact that I live there).

[Beth]

This made me laugh and cry. I am thrilled that you're getting good help, even if it is in New Jersey.

(My best friend, who grew up in Maryland, believed when she was a child that New Jersey was where people went when they died. No heaven or hell; just New Jersey.)

[Anne-Marie]

So happy to hear you're feeling better :)

[Maude]

I'm so glad you are feeling better. I was just about to stop being a lame-o lurker (but a very appreciative one) and give you some heartfelt words of support and encouragement, when lo and behold, there is a feeling better post. I hope the feeling better continues and you find a lovely, mellow new place to live before long.

[tulip]

So good to hear you are feeling a better. I have been thinking of you all this time and hoping that things were working out.
It's been kind of a rough time here and I find that it makes me feel so much better when I hear of someone else who is better. I think I should say better again. hee.
Anyway, good on ya mate. xoxo

[Jackie]

Yay, Alice! So happy to hear that you've emerged from the undertow. You sound ecstatic to back. I'm ecstatic that you're back.

[SuzRocks]

So glad the beta-blockers are working! It's good to have you back!

[m]

good to hear it Alice! I will never look at the letter G the same way again...

[Karen]

DUDE! Awesome post!

[mom, interrupted]

Glad to hear you're feeling better - whatever it takes is my motto.

[Bernadette Smith]

I am glad you are doing better. I kept checking back and am relieved that you are posting again!

Take care and take it easy, I mean as easy as you can. I totally understand how easy that is to say and how hard it is to actually do!