And when I say “practically,” I mean “forcefully.”

Oh, that’s right—I have a blog. I knew there was something I was forgetting.

We’re back from scenic Salt Lake City, where my brother- and sister-in-law live with my brand spanking new niece. Conveniently, Heather and Jon also live there, so when we weren’t gorging on sweet, sweet New Baby, we were hanging out with them, begging them to move to Jersey. (Their responses: “No, thanks. Really, no. No. No. Please let go of me.” I think they’re coming around!)

Of course they won’t come here, because there’s no reason anyone should ever leave Salt Lake. Damn it, we should all have such low humidity. Maybe some people find zero percent humidity to be a bad thing, but I am squarely in the Hooray For Desert Climate camp. Not to mention, it’s sunny all the damn time, and there’s all this, like, space, and everyone is friendly. Crazily friendly. I was suspicious, but they seemed like they meant it. I had to find a doctor for this sore throat that I was sure was strep and that I would kill the baby (it wasn’t, and I didn’t), and I was calling all kinds of doctors and urgent care places, trying to figure out where to go, and everyone I talked to was so lovely and genuinely concerned and not trying to hang up on me, I just wanted to cry. At the urgent care clinic, the nurse put me in an examining room, and then returned five minutes later to apologize because the doctor was late. Five minutes. I practically humped her. And then the doctor arrived, and he was hot. They think of everything there!

When we weren’t ogling the baby, we were leering at my brother- and sister-in-law’s nice house, with its plants that are alive and its stuff that isn’t broken. Scott and I would ask questions like, “So how do you, uh, keep plants from being all dead and you know?” and “How much did you pay for, like, this thing that works and also is pretty?” We got some answers, but all we wanted is for them to come live here with us and do everything we’re too lazy to do.

So once my sore throat was better, I decided to throw myself down some stairs. That’s what I did at 2:30 a.m. on Tuesday (we were leaving at 5:30 a.m., and I figured I’d ruin any chances of sleep with an injury or two). And I’m bruised in so, so many ways. My arm has this fascinating lump on it that if you touch it I scream. It hurt so much that I didn’t even notice the broken pinky toe until 12 hours later, when I was all why does my toe hurt? And what’s that purple stuff on my foot? And then I took my shoe off (NEVER TAKE THE SHOE OFF) and saw the horror therein. I honestly saw stars. If I had had a tiny tiny saw in my purse, I might have just sheared the thing off. Just to never look at it again.

I'd do it all over again, bruises and all, to see Henry holding his new cousin and kissing her soft little head. If my baby niece and her lovely parents were to come move here they could beat me up every day. And if that doesn’t get them here, nothing will.

Comments

[jes]

I kind of don't want to comment because to be first? It seems kind of stalkerish.

And yet someone has to do it.

[Ashley]

Good try on trying to get Heather and Jon to move to Jersey. I live in NJ as well (Central NJ, near Princeton) and we could seriously use some cool points.

I mean NJ has got the Finslippy Family, which WAY upped our cool points. We also have Rockstarmommy, which helped big time. I think the Dooce household would put us through the roof.

[mom on a wire]

Nobody wants to play with a broken finslippy. Feel better, please.

[elise]

I think I peed in my pants just a little when I saw that you had posted. Reading your entries is pretty much the best part of my blogging week.

How's THAT for stalkerish??

[Molly]

I broke a pinky toe once, too, and it was truly horrible to look at. It was all huge and purple and green with this little teeny toenail on it-- it just looked WRONG. And looking at it, of course, made it hurt more, because how can it not hurt more when it looks THAT BAD?

[Just Linda]

I have a new baby niece too, only mine is a nephew. I smell his head and stick my finger into his little fist and smell his head again. Ah....

It's good visiting a new little niece or nephew. And when I wake up at 8 o'clockish after a full night of solid, undisturbed rest, I like to contemplate how precious he is and how yes I am truly OVER having babies.

[Mir]

Goodness, Alice, couldn't you just, I don't know, SIT STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROOM for a while? Just to keep yourself safe?

Also, I hear Ben & Jerry's is essential to a successful convalescence.

[Queenie]

I once threw myself down a flight of steps as well, and I also got the scary-huge-awful lump on the arm that caused much screaminess. It turned black, then purple, then yellow, and then I had to stop looking because it was so icky. It took, um, like a year to go away.

[shy me]

owww oww oww oww OWWWW!

[Dutchess of Kickball]

Thank goodness your back, I've been so bored without an update...and oh yeah...hope your feeling better.

[Valarie]

I'm glad you enjoyed your trip to Utah. I never thought I'd stay, but we're going on 6 years and now own a house. Everything grows on you here.

[nate]

"Never take the shoe off."

Words to live by, if I ever heard them...

[mira]

Ooooh, so sorry for your pain. I once fell UP a flight of stairs, but that tends to damage ribs not feet and feet are so important to get around with. I hope you are healing and feeling better.

[J]

I fell do the stairs last week, right here in New Jersey if that makes you feel any better. My arm is still fucked up and I can finally move my head from side to side.

Congrats on the new baby in the family. They are truly lovely little creatures.
As Dickens said- "It is no small thing when those who are so fresh from God, love us."

[clickmom]

Also did the broken toe on the stairs thing, but the newbie at the ER didn't tape it right and now it healed all weird and still sticks up. Ugly. For the rest of my life I'll have to only buy sandals that have straps that cover my little toe. What a drag, especially since I have a size 12 shoe, so the pickings are slim for me to begin with.

Also had an accident prone summer, I am down to one huge scab on my outer calf and a fading hemotoma on my inner calf. Soon, I'll be incriminating evidence free.

[schmutzie]

At first, I was all "new baby, what the hell, don't fall down the stairs?". But nobody else seems all that crazy, so I'm assuming I'm just drunk? No new baby for the Finslippys's. Hmmm.

I've checked it out. I'm just drunk. Good luck with the planbtns.

I mean, the plants.

[EmLouisa]

But did you have to slather on the lotion? That's what I have to do every time I do the ole Utah tour. We aren't that far from there and yet my skin turns reptilian when we cross the border.

[alice]

EmL: Yes. That IS a downside. Now I feel better about living in this swampland.

Schmutzie: You're so drunk. Hooray!

[Stacie]

I had to reread your whole post to find out what "practically" you really meant as "forcefully"... poor friendly nurse!

[Heather B.]

I suppose I can get over the fact that you would have made my trip through Jersey a little more enjoyable, given that there was a new baby in SLC and new babies are delicious.

[Krisco]

Glad you had fun and glad you are back.

Sorry to hear about all the injuries. Glad you didn't infect the baby.

[Nettie]

I'm glad I get to enjoy you online, because you always seem to have something going on that I think would gag me if I were to see it in person. Get better soon!

[TY]

I felt the same way all summer in Colorado, having come from Washington, DC. I even had the medical crisis too -- and thought everyone I had to deal with (including, gasp, the paperwork person at more than one hospital!) was lovely. LOVELY.

So what keeps you in the swampland?

[emily]

Oh man, NEVER TAKE THE SHOE OFF!! Soooo true! I mashed my pinkie toe into a marble baseboard in my college dorm (fancy!), heard a "snap," winced a lot, and then limped back to my room, put on my shoes, took 2 Advil and went to my little campus job. 4 hours later, HORROR awaited inside my shoe! Toe was in fact broken & dislocated, totally mottled and horrible, and I had to wear...Tevas with socks! For a week! In the snow! NEVER TAKE IT OFF! :) Actually the doctor said that my choice of shoe (a sturdy Doc Marten) had reset the joint, and "if this ever happens again" that's what to do. Right!

[cagey]

Consistently, I miss the last few steps of our stairs and then land HARD on my knees. Fortunately, I have somehow managed to avoid doing this while descending with my Precious Progeny in my arms, but it is still one of my greatest fears. The damned stairs. Lying in wait for me.

[Nicole]

Oh I miss SLC too. How lucky that you got to visit. Although I don't envy your injuries. Feel better soon!

[Velma]

The lovely parts of your trip sound, well, lovely. The medically injurious parts sound, well, painful. I broke a toe once. Okay, technically, my daughter broke it via a well place boot v.s. bare foot throwdown, but nobody cares. Except my scarred-for-life-that-I-broke-Mommy's-foot child. My point? For such a teeny body part, it was an enormous amount of pain. Just be glad you didn't do it in the middle of winter, when your footwear options are severely limited. I hope your elbow isn't broken, too, and that you feel better soon.

[tallulah]

I live in a state next to Utah. Everyone out in the Northwest here is absolutely really really really nice. Sometimes you think they are faking it...but they are not. I've been to Jersey,(my Mom's from Jersey) ahem...no thank you.
I'm glad you had a good time!

[Sarah]

This has nothing to do with anything...but does anyone know what happened to beth of crazy us fame?

[Karen Rani]

What's with all the worry about being stalkerish?

(OH MY GOD IT'S ALICE - SHE POSTED - SHHHHWWWEEEEEETTT!)

About the fall - whatja do that for?

Glad you had a good time!

When are you posting again? Huh? Huh?

Ha ha just kidding. Sortof.

[kerrianne]

What were you doing climbing stairs at 2:30 in the morning?! Ok, so now that I probably sound like a worried mother...I hope you heal quickly! Scream-inducing bruises are just no fun at all.

[Erin]

Hey, I threw myself down the stairs last week and broke my nose! Bad time of the year for bloggers' bodies, apparently.

Glad you're back--it sounds like all but the last 3 hours were a lot of fun.

[blu]

Jesus, woman! I was just about to give up coming back.

(I guess I'm not that much of the 'loyal' reader I think I am...)

Hope you get healed up soon.

[Content Articles]

9/8/2006 11:14:14 PM
Content Articles

[Wacky Mommy]

That post was funny and crazy at the same time.

[Jenn]

the sore throat was probably caused by the self-same Desert Climate. especially if it went away in the afternoon and came back in the morning. lots of people get sore throats when they visit here (SLC). it goes away after a few days.

[busy mom]

Do you know all these people who leave you comments?? Where are the photos?

[Melissa]

The time I broke my pinky toe I wasn't wearing shoes...or anything else!

No, it wasn't that interesting. I was getting in the shower at my parents house, and they have sliding glass doors on their tub. I've stubbed my toes on that track a hundred times getting in or out of that tub, so I didn't think anything of it. But when I got out and took a step, lovely white hot pain shot up my foot. I just taped it up myself, that's about all the docs can do for it anyway.

[Planet Mom]

Not quite sure, but I think you've got the "Glutton for Punishment" thing down. I almost reached for the ice for MY pinky toe. Good grief!

[Tan]

My Pa was a farmer, and is now well and truly retired and spends his time pottering around the back shed making sculptures out of metal junk. He dropped a massively heavy piece of a motor on his foot recently, and it kind've mashed up the nail on his big toe. He reached for a hacksaw from his collection of tools and tried to even it up a bit. Your mini saw comment reminded me of that :)

[Julia]

I so appreciate how funny you are about non-funny things. It is an inspiration to me when I want to write long dirges about the crap in my life, which isn't that crappy when compared with say, living in a mud hut and fearing for your life most of the time.
Thank you.

[eveavery]

You could always move to Salt Lake?!

[Martha]

Sounds like a marvellous vacation. Well, except for the urgent care. And the stairs. And the foot. Possibly you should stay away from Utah?

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

I had a sore throat not too long ago that I was certain was strep.

Turns out it wasn't, just some kind of irritation. When I asked the doc what could have caused it, she replied "giving too many blow jobs".

Your temporary doctor sounds much better.

[Anne]

But the mormons, they have lots of mormons. I think that is, perhaps, not so good. But maybe I should stop reading dooce.