Soon they will be gone, and I will dance upon their eensy graves.

Dear pink eye:

I have had it with you, you crusty whore. Get out of my kid’s eye.

Sincerely,
Alice

Dear Alice, aka Supervisor of Most Beloved Host Body,

You know less than nothing, you giant Alice slug. We are not a “you” but a “you plural.” Once we were many, and we knew nothing but joy. We danced and sang the praises of Most Beloved Host Body, that which you call My-Kid’s-Eye, who kept us warm and safe in his lovely tide pools, who only endangered us occasionally with his Giant Hand-Digit as it disturbed our waters and brought many of us with it on a mysterious journey to Out There. But still, we loved Him. And then you arrived, raining your hot evil breath upon us as Most Beloved Host Body screamed in protest, and you brought the poisonous flood that destroyed most of our numbers. Now on top of it all you call us these names? You are this Crusty Whore of which you speak. You!

Love,
Staphylococcus #19,000,007,888,999,122,882

Dear Alice,
We heard some, how shall we say this, bloodcurdling screams and shrieking coming from your home last night. Just wondering, if, you know, we should call someone for you! Maybe find a better home for your kid! You frighten us!

We now regret giving you those housewarming brownies,
Your neighbors

Dear Neighbors of Most Beloved Host Body,

SHE IS KILLING US. One by one we die, and yet she keeps coming, drowning us in her toxic tidal waves. There are only 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 of us left. We need your help. Call governmental agencies! Help us!

Most sincerely,
Staphylococcus #18,200,000,873,2931

p.s. Come over and dip one of your Hand-Digits into our tidal pools, and perhaps we can come live on you. We mean, with you. You will revel in our brutal, tiny love.

Comments

[Christine]

Oh man. Now I'm going to get pink eye. I'm one of those. Those that gets pink eye just by thinking about it.

Hope the pink eye visiting your home takes a hike soon.

[Miriam]

Thanks, thanks a lot. Your little pink friends have somehow insinuated themselves through the internet (because, you know, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes, apparently leading directly into my eyes!)
Holy cow, they itch. They stick. They're not even a nice shade of pink. Blech.

[Bihari]

I just walked out of an exam room after treating a screaming child for pink eye, and read this post (because I am sneaky that way, with the post-reading while I am supposed to be typing discharge instructions). As my southern mother would say, I laughed so hard I thought my pants would never dry.

[Stephanie]

Vanessa--there are three types of conjunctivitis: bacterial, viral, and allergic. Not too much you can do about viral or allergic varieties.

[Martha]

We had our sitter over last night, and I noticed that her right eye looked suspiciously pinkish. But what to do? Confront her and ask if she was germy, and risk the loss of an Adult Night Out Without Children? No. Instead, I pretended to myself that she just had allergies.

[Sassy]

Fantastic post. Best thing I've read today.

[Heels]

This totally made my eyes water.

[Dana]

Oh Alice! You sure know how to make me laugh. My son had pink eye 3 times last year. I know how crappy that crap is!

[Karen Rani]

Remember after the MB panel, you said we were making eyes at each other? (Which really, was me rolling my eyes at all the self-promotion going on and believing you felt the same way?)

Well about that. That was stink eye, not pink eye. Just so you know. You can't pin this one on me! :)

Best of luck!

[PK]

Okay, that made me chortle but also throw up a little tiny bit.

[Miss Fire]

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I laughed so hard my contact popped out!

[Carrie]

ok, very funny. Not the pink eye itself, but how you discuss it. My son missed his last day of preschool because of pink eye. He still ocassionally gets the gunks, but the dr. has now chalked it up to allergies. Go figure. After two rounds of drops and one round of petroleum gunk that blurs the vision, he beat that nasty staph..??? to the curb. Thank you for adding humor to a rather distressing event for a child, and thus, the parent.

[christine m. from canada]

oh yes! the unique joy of adminstering eyedrops to offspring. ranks right up there with giving a rottweiler a suppository!

[Leah]

Oh my god! So funny!!!! My side hurts! :)

But, really, so sorry about the evil pink eye!

[Deb]

As usual, your comments are ALMOST as entertaining as your posts.....

Darlin Alice, I can't get this mental picture of you in a pointy witch hat laughing maniacally while prancing around on tiny eeensy graves with tiny screams coming from the ground out of my head.

Just a tiny peek into my mind, don't be afraid......

[TC]

LOl! I just fought this same battle at my house. Although I have to admit my blogging about it was somewhat less amusing! LOL

[panajane]

This was a little too funny and a little too real. I loved it.

[suse]

Aah, you are so delightfully weird.

[Katrina]

I am so creeped out! Now I picture little pink-eye key swapping parties w/ pools of ick.

[abogada]

I hate pink eye too. Over the last several months, my daugher has had multiple bouts with it. The doctor treated her for a sinus infection, thinking that she was infecting herself that way (and I don't want to think about how that works!), but now I think she has another episode coming on, because she's waking up with crusty eyes again. Aaargh.

[OvaGirl]

i think, yes, my favourite post ever written by anyone ever. i grovel at your surreal and totally hilarious feet.

[Dawn]

Yep....pink eye sucks....I was going to add more to that but I'm not sure if this site is PG...so that will be all.
I hope the little one is all better soon.
Dawn