Soon they will be gone, and I will dance upon their eensy graves.

Dear pink eye:

I have had it with you, you crusty whore. Get out of my kid’s eye.

Sincerely,
Alice

Dear Alice, aka Supervisor of Most Beloved Host Body,

You know less than nothing, you giant Alice slug. We are not a “you” but a “you plural.” Once we were many, and we knew nothing but joy. We danced and sang the praises of Most Beloved Host Body, that which you call My-Kid’s-Eye, who kept us warm and safe in his lovely tide pools, who only endangered us occasionally with his Giant Hand-Digit as it disturbed our waters and brought many of us with it on a mysterious journey to Out There. But still, we loved Him. And then you arrived, raining your hot evil breath upon us as Most Beloved Host Body screamed in protest, and you brought the poisonous flood that destroyed most of our numbers. Now on top of it all you call us these names? You are this Crusty Whore of which you speak. You!

Love,
Staphylococcus #19,000,007,888,999,122,882

Dear Alice,
We heard some, how shall we say this, bloodcurdling screams and shrieking coming from your home last night. Just wondering, if, you know, we should call someone for you! Maybe find a better home for your kid! You frighten us!

We now regret giving you those housewarming brownies,
Your neighbors

Dear Neighbors of Most Beloved Host Body,

SHE IS KILLING US. One by one we die, and yet she keeps coming, drowning us in her toxic tidal waves. There are only 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 of us left. We need your help. Call governmental agencies! Help us!

Most sincerely,
Staphylococcus #18,200,000,873,2931

p.s. Come over and dip one of your Hand-Digits into our tidal pools, and perhaps we can come live on you. We mean, with you. You will revel in our brutal, tiny love.

Comments

[Stacie Penney]

I'm going to die of laughter. That sums up everything I knew about pink eye and never realized.

[Ashley]

*Note to self: Do not read Finslippy entries just as important corporate managers are walking through the door. You will seem like a crazy, what with your stifled laughter and red face."

[LadyBug]

I hate pink eye.

I hate those drops we're supposed to squirt in our screaming, wriggling, writhing kid's eyes.

The only way I could ever get the drops in the eyes was to squirt 'em in the inside corners while the kid's eyes were closed. When they opened them, surprise! Drops in the eyes! And THEN the screaming commenced of course. "It BURNS....AAHHHH...THE BURNING!" But, hey. At least I got the drops in, right?

[palinode]

So, is this correspondence done through snail mail? What do tiny staph envelopes and letterhead look like? Do they write on little memo pads with "From the eye of Henry" printed along the top? Just wanting to know a bit about the logistics here.

[Ceece]

Not a good lunch-time read post.

[alice]

Palinode, all I can say is: you should see their penmanship. Not good.

[Gillian]

I am so shocked about the penmanship. When you consider how much time those assholes spend in schools all over the country! We need to revamp our educational system.

Go, Alice!

[Mother]

You've got to stop hanging out at Sweetney's house.

[shy me]

I am both amused and creeped out at the same time : )

can they get through the screen to me?

*runs and washes hands*

[memcinto9]

Wow, I have to save this one, it is wonderfully written! Good job!

[Rae]

GET THEM GOOD! You have doubled me over with laughter.

[LetterB]

Governmental agencies? Ha! Silly bacterium. Good luck with your sweeping vengeance, Alice.

[Alexa]

HA HA HA HA! *wheeze*. Oh Alice, you slay me.

[Nicole]

You. Are. Hillarious.

[Kari]

Did the neighbors put tartar sauce on the brownies? Or maybe pot?

I ate a pot-laced brownie once. And I am willing to bet there were plenty of Hand-digits going all kinds of places after that. Tiny love, indeed.

[bellabugs_mom]

I am deathly afraid of pink eye. I would rather be lying in bed with 400 spiders.

Someone really should have told me that kids are prone to pink eye BEFORE I decided to have kids. That might have been a deal breaker.

[becks]

This has nothing to do with this post, but I have been combing through your archives, and that henry, he is one funny dude.

I think I could eat him.

(Well. But I wouldn't really eat him.)

But he is pretty cool.

[becks]

This has nothing to do with this post, but I have been combing through your archives, and that henry, he is one funny dude.

I think I could eat him.

(Well. But I wouldn't really eat him.)

But he is pretty cool.

[becks]

This has nothing to do with this post, but I have been combing through your archives, and that henry, he is one funny dude.

I think I could eat him.

(Well. But I wouldn't really eat him.)

But he is pretty cool.

[wordgirl]

As a teacher, I used to get pinkeye a lot. It sucks the big pudding and I weep for your pain and general inconvenience. Pinkey Must Die!

Sincerely,
Wordgirl

[becks]

Um. Mental Note: Only hit post once.

[Amy/grrlTravels]

"tiny, brutal love"
Thanks. I needed that.

[SparklieSunShine]

Bahahahahaha!

[karen]

Do you think Scott will ever come home, given his mortal fear of said Staphylococci?

By the way: You. are. a. genius. I mean that.

[OTRgirl]

Your ability to create humor from just about any situation has me in awe!

[clickmom]

It is so uplifting to read my own personal horror so well written. We battled that demon just this summer- and it was a miracle- only one of my three got it. I was a screaming shrew during the contamination though - "Wash your hands!" "Don't touch that!" "Get away from him!"

[jenB]

alice, i fucking love you.

[anne nahm]

ahahaaha! You make the laughter infectious too. Look at me! Teeming with the giggles I got from you.

[jes]

Ahhh...but can you imagine if they dipped their digits into a batch of brownies AFTER they double-dipped in the pink eye tidal pools?

[Heather]

Too Much!! I'm saving this one!

[shayneegray]

"brutal, tiny love"--now that's a Gymini I have to try...

[Robin in San Jose]

After watching my nephew turn into a wildcat on the floor whilst getting his eye drops for pink eye (which I subsequently contracted) I lived in fear of the first time my kids ever got it. Fortunately pink eye seems to almost always travel along with its close friend the ear infection, so my pediatrician has always prescribed oral antibiotics as a treatment. Consequently I have never had to do hand to hand combat with the little suckers. Ask Henry if he's SURE his ears aren't hurting. Just a little. Please.....

[erika]

You are so funny. Staphylococcus is (are?) so defiant.

[jbeeky]

Dear pink eye,
You come anywhere near my 3 year old and I am going to come at you SoCal style, bro! While my son has made many overtures towards you such as dragging his hand on all public surfaces and scratching his eyeball about 4 million times a day, he is nothing but a tease and I will take a powerhose to his eye to flush you out.
Sincerely,
Not a hypochondriac, Why?

[nadarine]

I got pinkeye for the first time ever when I was 18. Sadly, it decided to swell and pink-ify and pus up during a waitressing shift. I didn't notice til after three tables in a row recoiled in horror. I snuck a look in the bathroom mirror and CHRIST ON A CRACKER WHO PUNCHED ME IN THE EYE?
But! If you get pinkeye as an adult, the upsides are that the drops seem to be much less painful, and you can walk around with giant black sunglasses on all day and night and just adopt a Marlene Dietrich accent if people question you.

[Steph.]

Delurking to say...HILARIOUS!

Pink Eye totally sucks and it's good you've kept your sense of humor about it.

Do you think you could ask some of the primary "infectors" to come by my neighborhood? I have a few snotty neighbors I'd like to send them to...LOL!

[kyra]

hey! we just had a bout with pink eye over here. DOUBLE pink eye.

also, i just read, and hold onto your hats, that IN the human body with it's billions upon billions of cells, only ONE OUT OF EVERY TEN of those cells is human. the rest? microbes, in and ON us, everywhere. eeeeeeeuuuuuuuu.

[samantha Jo Campen]

Reason # 624 as to why, when we have children, they will be allowed NO other human interaction and will only leave the house once he/she is 35.

Why don't people understand that?

[dorothy]

My name is Legion, and I am many.

[Katherine]

My son was allergic to the drops! So after 10 days of torture with his eyes seemingly as bad as ever, I made the executive decision to stop them and lo, the eyes, they were no longer pink!

But you haven't lived until your kid gets head lice! And then gets them again, and again, because the pre-school is infested--and they finally have to close for a few days so they can fumigate.

You have to wash everything in boiling water and everything that can't be washed has to be sealed in plastic bags for 10 days so all the lice and all their eggs die, because they die if they can't get onto a host.

[Andrea]

Dear Alice,
We are the Tidal Waves of Death to the Pink Eye Crusty Whores. We are also known as Phoenix Tears, for our liquid is as valuable as precious metal, as costly as a minute of Bill Gates' time. You will pay dearly for us, though we reside in a bottle smaller than the thumb of a Smurf. In fact, your pharmacist borrowed the bottle from Tinkerbell. We will continue to do battle with the Crusty Whores, all 19,576,007,886,375,184,201 of them, but the price will be high. Oh yes. Might we suggest getting some help from the neighbors to hold the Host Body down? Too many of us wasted on his precious cheeks would be the equivalent of the aid your government gives to a third world country in a day. But we are worth every penny for our Crusty Whore killing drops.

Sincerely,
Liquid Gold, a.k.a. Phoenix Tears

[Jem]

I get eye infections CONSTANTLY. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I soooooo feel your son's (and your!) pain.

[tuckova]

Perfect.

[Sonia (DDM)]

So every time I read one of your posts, I experience one of the following; Snorting, laughing out loud, tears streaming down my cheeks, guffaws. After THIS one? All of the above, and I think I might have peed a little during the laughing out loud part.

And then I read the comments. And it happened all over again.

You. Are. So. Funny.

[Jessie]

Stupid pink eye. It really sucks. I'm with your husband - deathly afraid of getting pink eye. It's scary!

[Jenn]

Dear funny mommy blogger who made me laugh out loud this morning and accidentally woke my kids up,

You are so on my reader.

Sincerely,
The I'mPerfect Mom, who is still snorting with laughter.

[Mary]

I had a nasty case a few years ago - staph related pink eye & my Dr told me to put bactracin ointment in my nose because it kills the little demons and the nose is a perfect host - so give it a try... it works!!

[gabby]

is August National Pink Eye month? You're the fourth mom to talk about it in the past week! So eeenteresting.

[Anne Glamore]

NOW maybe people will understand why I prohibit my boys from saying the words "pinkeye" at school. It's enough to start a plague!

Hysterical post!

[Vanessa]

I've read that a lot of pinkeye cases are viral and don't really require treatment. But then every time my kid gets it, I imagine my Irish immigrant ancestors arriving on this shore (well, actually the other shore, but whatever) with their scabby-eyed little children whose sight could have been saved if they'd only had the right medicine, and I end up giving her the drops anyway. Sometimes imagination is a real curse.