There's no real point to this.

Tuesday after school, Henry and I headed to a nearby playground. When we got there he went straight for a seal statue that sits right in the center of the playground. It’s supposed to spout water in the summer, although I’ve never seen it work.

He sat down on it. “This is my favorite seal,” he said. “This is my best friend. My best seal friend.”
“Really,” I said, “You’ve never mentioned him.”
“He is my best friend, and his name,” Henry declared, “is Frompy.”
“Frumpy?”
“Frompy. I love him so, so much. I lie down on him, and I look up at the sky, and I dream. I dream of Frompy. At night I come here all by myself and I play with him.”
“Does he come to life?”
“No, he does not come to life.” He glared at me. I would never understand! About Frompy!
“I have to say, I’ve never seen you even look at him before.”
“And when I have to leave him I am so, so sad, I miss him so much because Frompy is my best friend ever in my whole world.” He started to tear up.

Then Henry leapt off the statue and announced that it was time to see “the crazy dancers.” The “crazy dancers” he refers to are African natives performing ceremonial dances; they can be seen on video at the Brooklyn Museum, which is mere steps away from the playground we were in. I happen to have a museum pass and I wanted to nip in the bud any Frompy-related hysteria, so I said sure! Museum it is!

Oh, dear god, was he happy. Time to see the crazy dancers! He loves the crazy dancers. He asks to see them all the time, and every time he does this spazzy little jig.

So we headed for the museum, and when we got there I let Henry hit the button to open the handicapped/stroller entrance door. Only nothing happened, because the museum was closed.

Joy turned to outrage and tears. “I am so disappointed,” he wept, “Why won’t you let me see the crazy dancers?” I tried to explain that I couldn’t make them open the museum, but he wasn’t buying it. We sat on a bench near the entrance and I held him while he railed against me and the museum and all the forces that were keeping him from crazy-dance appreciation.

Inevitably, a man with some sort of disability approached us. He was mewling in a disconcerting way, but then I looked at him and he had the sweetest expression, and he only wanted to help and I was a jerk for thinking I should get Henry out of there before he came any closer. He reached into his bag, pulled out a pack of Wrigley’s, and waved it toward Henry. “That’s okay,” I said.

He shook his head and started digging around in his bag. He pulled out a mangled candy bar. “Really, we’re fine,” I said, holding up my hand as he tried to give it to Henry.

Then he handed me a can of Chef Boyardee. Henry took notice. “What is he giving us?” he asked. “Spaghetti in a can,” I said, as I tried to shake my head in as friendly a way as I could manage. He rummaged and rummaged some more, and then he took out a biscuit. A completely intact biscuit had somehow managed to survive the contents of his bag. I said goodbye and Henry said “No, THANK YOU” to the biscuit and we walked away, but I kind of wanted to see what would come next. A layer cake? A roast chicken?

On our way home Henry kept trying to tell me something complicated about treasure maps, but I was pushing him in his stroller and all I could hear was his shouting “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING.” I stopped and leaned over to tell him I couldn’t hear him, and a man came out of nowhere, grinning at us. “What are you doing!” he said. “Are you having a problem!”

“We’re talking,” I said.
“Talking is good! I want to talk to you about Jesus today!” and then he handed me a pamphlet. I saw the words “End of Days” and I grabbed it because I love me the crazy pamphlets. “Thanks!” I said, and walked away. He was still talking.

“There are crazy people out today, Henry,” I said, and he said, “But are they dancers?”

Comments

[Saartje]

I immediately had to share the roast chicken? Layer cake? bit with someone. Oh how I laughed.

[steph]

I laughed at this in bed, and I woke up the baby. Damnit!

[Melissa]

He will still let you push him in a stroller? WOW. It always upsets me when I can't see the crazy dancers either. Or it would, if I lived near any. :)

Alice, could you share exactly what is in the smoothies and muffins you make that have enough nutrition to counteract the endless mac and cheese? Recipes to share? Another mother of a picky eater needs help getting fruits and vegetables into her child.

Also, I have to tell you that I appreciate reading the comments for your posts almost as much as the posts themselves. I have gotten so many great ideas (like about discipline, from your archives when Henry was 2, for instance). And I am still snickering about the boy who eats well but pees in the bathroom vent. So thanks not only to you, but to your loyal readers. You attract some good people. Thanks!

[DM]

Alice, I am impressed. You make being accosted by the insane hilarious. And I love that Henry wanted to know if they were dancers.

[mom on a wire]

Number one: I know I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers, but my mom never told me what to do if one offered me a biscuit.

Number two: I think you should have just danced a crazy dance out in the street. If you can't beat the crazies, and there ain't no crazy dancers to be had, might as well become one of them yourself!

Number three: There is no number three.

[Crazy MomCat]

That is so bizarre and so hilarious at the same time. My son is also a crazy dancer. I must get video of it because he's passing on his talents to his toddler sister. The skinny long legs flailing about are just something I hold dear in my heart!

Now, street bums brandishing biscuits...that is something I have NEVER experienced before.

[buffi]

Well, the crazy people...they might dance. But they will never be THE crazy dancers, now, will they, Henry?

[Tracy]

Nee nee nee nee nee nee nee nee...you are now entering The Twilight Zone....
Too too funny. Thank you for sharing... at least now I know I am not the only person that attracts the crazies...

[meghann]

Should've asked Chef Boyardee to dance, I bet he's good.

[roo]

"A layer cake? A roast chicken?"

Crepes Suzette, complete with flaming brandy!

[April]

Delurking to tell you I love your blog! Henry sounds so bright and articulate and the things he says remind me so much of my son when he was younger. He's almost 6 now and he STILL won't eat anything.
Oh, but he did pee in our heater vent once. I bet it smelled a lot like the subway does!

[Jessica]

Holy cow -- that is all so existential and stuff! However, I remember as a child being fixated on certain things and being really confused when noone shared my fixation - I say Henry should have crazy dancers every day! And I think you should buy a special outfit, to make it authentic~!

[Meg]

He really is awfully bright, you know. Well done, Alice:).

[Anna]

Delurking to thank you for yet another post that made me smile. :)
I feel sorry for the street bum though! Why didn't you take at least the biscuit? You wouldn't have needed to give it to Henry to eat, but it would probably have made the street bum happy! Sometimes just the belief that *they* could give something to others is what they need. Once I gave some food to a homeless guy in Eastern Europe and then we chatted a little while, and he insisted on giving me his only possession that wasn't his Bible or the rags he was wearing: a wooden spoon. I had no need of that wooden spoon, neither did I intend to ever use it (I chucked it away at home for fear of infections), but it would have broken his heart if I hadn't taken it. so there.

[MomVee]

I _love_ "No, he does not _come to life_." I can just hear the preschooler disdain in his voice.

Oh, and I would have taken the Chef Boyardee.

The child who pees in the vent reminds me: when my son was 4, one of his peers could read but was not potty trained. My father said, "They should get a pad and write him a note: 'Use the toilet.'"

[neva]

another day... another funny post... another great reason to smile! (and then be just a little sad that my sons are beyond the "imaginary seal--best friend in my world" point in their lives... at least i think/hope they're past that point, tho' i can't be sure) thanks! : )

[alice]

Melissa: for smoothies I just shove 1 c. yogurt,1 c. soy milk, 1 banana,1 c. frozen berries, 1 tbsp. wheat germ and/or flax meal into the blender and, well, blend it. I'm guessing at the measurements, since I make it up as I go. I have tried adding tofu or almond butter, but he doesn't like it.

Henry likes these carrot-applesauce muffins, and he helps me bake them... http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/recipes/wc_carrotapplemuffins.html

Good luck!

[marian]

My kid would have wanted everything the generous crazy man could offer, including the (shudder) biscuit. But MOST of all the Chef Boyardee. That was a day to be thankful for Henry's eating issues.

[Nancy]

How old is Henry again? He talks like a 40 year old.

[Ceece]

wow. what a story. Old Man Biscuit made me tear up a little bit. There he was offering probably anything and everything he had to make Henry happy.

I tell ya, can we got some of that kind of love spread around?

Great post.

[Erin]

This is the funniest story I have read in a while. Thank you!

[Em]

If I were there I would pull cash out of my bag (or maybe shoes!) so you and Henry would be my friends.

Is that crazy?

[Jenny]

Oh I love me some Finslippy. Every morning I read it and as I type in the URL I say to myself, "What is my friend Finslippy up to?" I know that your name is Alice, but that's what I say in my head anyway. I've never posted before but I just wanted to say I think your posts are wonderful and funny, and they truly make me laugh (I think sometimes people say they laughed at a thing, but they laughed inside. I'm always laughing on the outside when I read your blog). So...thanks!

[Tits McGee]

Oh, man, that made me laugh and laugh.

MomVee - "preschooler distain" is just right. I got a heaping dose of that the other day when my 23-month-old walked up to her toy shelf and announced "Tit pie!" Perplexed, I asked her to repeat herself. "Tit pie! TIT PIE!" and pointed at her tea party set. "Oh," I said, "you want to play TEA PARTY?" She nodded emphatically and said, "TIT party" and gave me a look which clearly meant, "You are a complete moron, Mom."

[Tree]

What the? Can a mother and her child not venture into the out of doors in peace anymore? I am afraid!
But wow, that made me laugh. I'm sorry.

[Lee]

Oh sweet buscuit man...me loves the crazy peeps. I would have taken the candy bar.

Last night at dinner, Sophia, our four year old asked who said 'shit'...no one had said a word...for like 10 minutes up until then. I had to go hide under the table I was snickering so loudly. Kids...

[Arabella]

You attract better crazy people than me. They never try to give me jack shit in terms of food items; only pamphlets. Once, a man held up a sign asking for food, and I offered to buy him some at a fast food restaurant steps away, and he wound up asking if I would show my breasts to Howard Stern so he could get on the show. Gotta love New York.

[Susan]

I will PAY you to write about the End of Days tract. Please.

Or you can read it to Henry and give us his take on it. Whatever!

[Becky]

Oh dear. I think a day spent out with the street crazies would have driven me to live like a hermit for the rest of my days.

A biscuit? What do you say to that?

[Lala]

Wanting to reason with small children is the bane of a parent's existence.

[Lin]

Henry asks some valid questions. I like him!

[Stacey]

I'm SO going to call generous/loony/homeless fellas "Old Man Biscuit" from now on.

Thanks for the great story.

[amber]

You should have asked them if they'd dance for him to make him happy... God, I love the city.

[Sassy]

I love crazy people. I go to the stalls of the crazy bible readers in the city and slip freedom of religion pamphlets in amongst the "You're going to hell" and "No really, you are going to hell" pamphlets. They always smile at me thinking I've taken one and I smile back because I'm going to hell.

[sac]

Wow, you are lucky to be living where you do. Oh, the museum, you mean the one right by the playground? Seriously, I'm jealous. We have a hulking water tower right by our playground, that is it.

[la_depressionada]

i was doing my biennial filial duty this weekend and ended up, o the horror, on 7th avenue in some cafe (across from miracle grill i think) having, actually quite a nice, brunch. however, the all manner of crap that, you know, the sort of brain-dead parents lugged into this tiny place was astounding. the piece de resistance was a giant 3 wheeled buggy covered by like a down snuggly. it was bigger than any 2 chairs in the place.

of course, the neighborhood is lousy with these types. so white so white -- where do all these replicating white people come from? but my question is this: how do these parents who don't appear to have an iota of discretion regarding their surrounding hope to impart the qualities of good citizenship to their offspring? aren't the little buggers osmotic? you know like monkey see monkey do.

also don't call crazy people crazy. i know it hurts their feelings. one of the most eye-opening things about being part of a community people by a large number of homeless, addicted and mentally ill people is how aware they are of, you know, regular people and their opinions. i think they would like thought of a regular.

[Sarcomical]

i can't believe how wise that little henry is. ;)

[Candice]

The other day we went to a nearby park, and there were what seemed like 30 gang member look alikes there, so we turned right around and went home. In my best attempt to explain why, I told my four year old there were bad guys at the park. The next day at school he tells his teacher, and everyone else that would listen, that we went to the park and THERE WERE BAD GUYS WITH GUNS! (Insert gun hand gesture here). Lovely.

[la_depressionada]

edit the above to approximate english, my secretary came in and started blabbing about something or other, and i got distracted.

o btw, i voted for you. don't know why as you know my feelings about the mommy blogging -- indeed the entire mommy -- thing.

[alice]

But La D, you just called the crazy people crazy. You did it! I'm telling them right now.

[cagey]

Hmmmm, while here in Kansas we may not have quite the same caliber of colorful, crazy people you have access to, we do have INTELLIGENT DESIGN. Can you compete with THAT? :-)

[S-Way]

Only in the city could you have an entertaining adventure like that. ONLY IN THE CITY.

Also: I heart Frompy. And why won't you let me see the crazy dancers?

[wixabix]

i can send you all the crazy-god pamphlets you would like. texas is rotten full of them. i can even attach post-its with my special unfunny brand of wry commentary, no charge.

[Melissa]

Thank you. :)

[lace]

This totally made my morning. =D

[sfk]

frompy is my best seal friend, too.

[madge]

WOW. I can't decide if this makes me miss Brooklyn more or less.

Roast chicken. Ha ha hahaha...

[Neb]

I laughed so loudly when I got to the Chef Boyardee bit that I'm sure the whole apartment building wondered who the crazy in #9 was.

[schmutzie]

I loves me some Henry. His brain is a wonder to behold.

[Jess R]

Oh, thank you for this post. This was wonderful. I'm usually walking too fast to hear what the crazy dancers in my neighborhood have to say. (Although someone recently did accost me with, "Hey lady! Hey! Do you have 1,000 children?" Which I actually answered with a cheerful "No!" I haven't even released 1,000 EGGS in my life.)