Here's something old and dusty. Merry Christmas!

I found this in my blog-writings folder today. Apparently I wrote it! Who knew! Anyway, happy Christmas, and merry seasonings, and I am going away now.

***

Dear prospective parent,

Thank you for considering parenting me. As my current situation is somewhat wanting, I am, as you know, looking for a new arrangement. Below is a list of my demands.

I. FOOD

1. For breakfast, there will be only MILK from my SIPPY CUP while watching TELEVISION (see section II).

2. From “breakfast” until what you probably call “lunch,” I will be provided with an unending supply of cookies. No arguments.

3. For LUNCH, I will eat YOGURT. Anything with FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM will make me pick out the fruit and throw it on the ground, or else throw it up on your carpet.

a. So no FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM.

4. From LUNCH until DINNER, I enjoy having something to lick. Why not a LOLLIPOP? Why not seven?

a. Between licks, I may place the LOLLIPOP upon your grandmother’s Turkish rug. This will be OKAY by you.

5. For DINNER, I have MACARONI AND CHEESE. Any attempts to offer me vegetables in addition to the macaroni and cheese will result in TEARS.

a. And don’t you dare hide anything in the cheese sauce, because my god, how you will RUE THE DAY.

6. After dinner, you may provide me with ICE CREAM.

a. No frozen yogurt—I know the DIFFERENCE.

II. TELEVISION

1. Will be ALL THE TIME, unless I say differently. While watching TELEVISION, you are to sit by my side, quietly, hands folded in lap, whilst I enjoy my shows.

a. You may arise to fetch me a SNACK or a DRINK.

2. No DIAPER CHANGING or PLEAS TO ENGAGE IN PHYSICAL ACTIVITY will be tolerated during the watching of the TELEVISION.

3. Turning off of the television will result in much SCREAMING.

III. TOYS

1. There will be many.

a. They will always be strewn about the house so that I may simply reach down and pick up a toy, no matter where I am.
b. They will be loud, complicated, and contain many small bits. I enjoy the SHOOTING NOISES that go w-shooooop or zim zim zim.
c. Nothing that results in LEARNING, please.

IV. FRIENDS

1. Should be available should I be in the mood to use someone else’s TOYS or ingest someone else’s COOKIES.

a. They may not ever so much as look at my toys or cookie supply.
b. Ever ever ever.

V. SLEEP

1. Is when I say, where I say, and how I say. If I want to sleep UPSIDE DOWN with my legs locked around your neck, then that’s how it will be.

a. And you will enjoy it.

VI. AFFECTION

1. Occasionally I enjoy being hugged and kissed. I stress OCCASIONALLY.
2. I will not be pelted with wet-mouthed assaults on an hourly basis. Should you feel the need to HUG or KISS, you must provide me with a written request, and then wait for me to offer you my pudgy cheeks.
3. Should I feel the need to be HUGGED and KISSED or SERENADED by my original “parents,” I reserve the right to call them and have them come over, just for the HUGGING and the KISSING and maybe a SONG.

a. After that, it’s vamoose, bozos—you had your chance.

Comments

[New Blue Shoe]

But..but..but...who signed this missive?!?? I mean, really, Alice--you can't expect us to be sure whether you mean YOU or Mr. H!

[jenB]

i love you with the fire and heat of a billion suns.

charlotte would like to add to Toys

2. Christmas tree ornaments are toys. You will let me fling them about the room regardless of the floor being hardwood.

[sweetney]

i am so in love with you. will you marry me?

i'm only very slightly kidding.

ps: will miss you. terribly. darling.

[sweetney]

jen, i'm SO kicking your ass for the love of alice.

i know where you live. in canada. somewhere.

[jenB]

follow the sled dogs, second ilgoo on the left.

[alice]

Ladies, please! There's enough of Alice to go around! Especially these days. I'm eating a lot of cookies.

[liz]

Do you know how hard it is to laugh quietly????

Have mercy! I'm in cubicle-land here.

[marian]

oh man, you're so fucking brilliant it makes me die a little inside.

[Alison]

I think your child could be my child....

[Nancy]

Boy, I can't wait to see The Demands for The Teenage Years. (yikes!)

[Éireann]

FUNNIEST. ALICE. EVER.

IN. THE. HISTORY. OF. THE. WORLD.

[Mir]

Marvelosity. It is so a word, and it means Alice.

[Susan]

I am laughing so hard right now...

Are you sure we dont have the same child?!

Add to the yogurt claus, even if you try and get the yogurt with the m&ms to mix in it I will not be fooled, I do not eat strawberry yogurt only vanilla and only plain!

[kyra]

LOVING EVERY WORD!! you rock.

[Belinda]

Thank you. Also, JenB and sweetney? Totally invited to live on the bloggy commune of my dreams, too. I looked on a map once--Jen is just to the left of the middle part of Canada--up really HIGH.

[Heather]

Utterly dying over this post. This kid sounds so real. So like the life I'm living. And I thought I knew all the answers!

[Eulallia]

The boy certainly loves his dairy, doesn't he?

[honestyrain]

i'm not signing that.

[Dawn]

May I add:

Hygiene:

I will not tolerate any hand washing. If you would like to lick my hands and face in the manner of a mother cat, that will be acceptable. However, any attempts to use soap, shampoo and hot water will be considered as hostile acts. These acts will be dealt with, as such. This may involve you never having any intimate contact with another adult.

[Diana]

simply hilarious. I'm dying here, I think I received a similar letter from my son about a month before he was born!

[tree]

I love "nothing that results in LEARNING, please".
Did my kids write that?

[the patriarch]

Apparently your son and my kids have retained the same representation.

[Amanda]

I once made that mistake with the mac n cheese. ONCE.

[victoria]

hilarious.

[Nicole]

Boy ain't that the truth!! I thought only my kids were like that, good to know I'm not alone!!

[Sarcastic Journalist]

He said nothing about sorbet!

[katkat]

I've read you a couple of times and your posts always make me smile.- thanks.

[shannon]

Oh man, stop the funny. Too. Much. Funny.

[cagey]

LOVING the Toddler Manifesto!

Of course, MY precious carge (9 weeks old now) will never, ever make such demands. Surely not! :-)

Merry Christmas, Finslippy!

[alice]

That's right, Cagey--it's definitely something I did wrong. Keep telling yourself that. Merry Christmas to you too!

[Cherie]

Thanks for the laugh. And thanks for not sticking to your plan of 17 days of vacation. You're the best.

[Sassy8877]

Brilliant! Spoken from a true parent - one that doesn't mind the truth of children. Love it!

[Melissa]

Alice, is Henry your crowning achievement or are there plans for another in the future? I am new to your blog so if there is an archive on this subject, just direct me to it.

See, I was watching this inane show on Bravo about Christmas when suddenly there showed up this funny meowing woman in a burgundy satin shirt with huge pit stains. I saw your name and that you were a comedy writer for Finslippy. I thought, Finslippy? Is that that new comedy on CBS? So I googled it and lo and behold it is no sitcom, but a wonderfully witty blog. And I have been a fan ever since.

Okay, I am kidding!! I actually linked to you through another blog a few weeks ago and I have had a great time reading your archives. And I really am a fan. Thanks for being you. And for doing such a damn fine job of making your life great reading. :)

[Valorie]

You are HYSTERICAL...no, wait, I am! Let me just say that you are my First: I have never read a Blog before. Oh sure, I 've heard about 'em, but I guess I have just been too busy being a 42 year-old high school teacher who is still breastfeeding her 26 month-old son. How did I end up here? I think I Googled "bitter-apple and weaning"-- go figure. This is priceless, and I have instantly become your devoted slave...

[Sassy]

Happy holidays!

I hope the new year brings many blessings for you.

Love, Sassy.

[Em]

"And you will enjoy it." OH YES, YOU WILL.

Fabulous. Happy Holidays, Finslippies!

[Carol]

oh you are funny. merry christmas.

[DM]

My God, I love you. Thanks for all of the laughter.

[KA]

Happy Holidays! Hope you and yours have a safe, wonderful holiday season.

[Kestrel]

I'll have you know I lost a mouthful of coffee reading this! You owe me 1/8 tsp of 'gourment' Dunkin Donuts coffee mix... or grinds, whatever the hell it's called.

This is the funniest thing I've read today!

[wordgirl]

Okay...that's so funny that I just shot Dr. Pepper out of my nose.

[Shrinking Violet]

Thank God I read this at home....it is really unsightly when I laugh so hard I spit cherry soda out of my nose!

[laur]

can i just say that even though i am 19 years old and nowhere near being a mama, i LOVE your blog? i read it all the time!
so even though i'm usually more concerned with the type of juice thats been you know... fermented a bit, i read all the time. and you make me laugh. ten points to you.

[Kristen]

This was hilarious...I can particularly appreciate the breakfast clause about milk in a sippy cup in front of the television!

[Candice]

oh my gawd that is the funniest!

[Spencer]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!

[Nancy]

So my life. But please add to Section I the suggested paragraph 7: If and when I ingest something that is not pleasing to me, I reserve the right to immediately and without forewarning deposit such offensive material into or upon your hand or upon any other available part of your body, without regard to the manner of your dress or public nature of our location.