This post is entirely the Pope's fault.

First of all, my turning-off of comments was an experiment. I was feeling comment-averse, and I wanted to see what it would feel like to not have comments. It turns out that if you’ve lived with comments and then you turn comments off, you feel like no one likes you anymore. And then you get too many emails to respond to, and you feel like a bad person. So the comments are back.

I want to be funny and brighten your day with some humor, but I am feeling like the lowliest of people today. I have not been good to my son today, O Internets. I am a bad person.

An hour ago my husband took Henry to the in-laws to spend the weekend. Tomorrow there is some kind of Thomas The Tank Engine event in Connecticut. Henry and his grandparents will ride a life-size Thomas, and Sir Topham Hatt will be there, and then they will gorge themselves upon the cotton-candy brains of Claribel and Annie, the Dim-Witted Coach Cars. Whatever will happen, Henry has been sick with excitement. He has educated everyone we’ve met about his plans for the weekend. The cashier at Met Foods now knows all about it. As does Crazy Shuffling Guy by the Q train, and Eye-Patch Man outside Natural Foods. “I’m going to Thomas’s World!” he told them, and then invited them to come along.

So this morning I woke up at 9:30, quickly realized that my kind husband had woken up with Henry two hours earlier and had let me sleep in, and was just as quickly plunged into shame and guilt. (Thanks, Catholic upbringing!) My baby is going to be away all weekend, and I should have been awake to spend these last moments with him, I told myself, and hurried to the living room. Where Henry got one look at me and screamed, “GO AWAY.” And then said it again, as if I hadn’t gotten the idea the first time.

And like the sulky adolescent I am and will always be, I stormed back to the bedroom and slammed the door and threw myself on the bed. That sure showed him! He’s going to feel bad now, I bet! And I’m being an excellent role model, with my stomping and slamming!

Thirty seconds later, it occurred to me that I was an ass, and so I returned to the living room, where my husband and I proceeded to yell at each other—over what, I can’t even remember. All I remember is saying I JUST WOKE UP COULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE. I might have said it a few times. And then noticed Henry was weeping. So I went to him, I apologized to them both, I tried to make things right. “I want breakfast,” Henry wept, and I tried not to ask my husband why the fuck he hadn’t fed him yet, and I carried Henry to his high chair.

Where he proceeded to scream incoherently about some pain on his cheek. And then pain on his fingers. KISS IT, he shrieked, and I did, but then he raged some more about how the pain wasn’t going away. “Could you tell me what he’s talking about?” I asked Scott, maybe a little too loudly, as Henry screamed and screamed and stuck his fingers in my face screaming at me to KISS THEM TO MAKE THE PAIN STOP. “He has a bug bite on his cheek. I have no idea what the finger thing is.” KISS IT KISS IT KISS IT he continued. Did I mention about the screaming? The ear-piercing screaming?

I kissed. And I kissed. I had already poured his cereal, which was now soggy from soy milk and tears. Finally, Internets, I began to lose it ever so slightly. My reason deteriorated as follows:

I feel bad for you, so I shall kiss your hand.
Yes, okay, your hand hurts. I’ll kiss it more.
I’m beginning to doubt there’s anything wrong with your hand.
You are now freaking me out with the screaming, so I’ll tell you your hand isn’t really hurt.
I’ll tell you to be quiet. That will calm you down!
You’re just hungry. Hungry and out to get me.
If I tell you you’re okay in a louder voice you’re sure to understand me.
Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll rip the bib off and throw it away, then I’ll slam the cereal bowl down on the counter, and tear the high-chair tray off of you, so that your pain gives way to sheer terror!

At this my husband wheeled around and shouted something like What Are You Doing, You Monster, and I told him to shut up. Nothing enables someone to see your point of view like telling them to shut up. Didn’t you know that? Then I took the weeping boy and held him until he calmed down.

I have no idea what the finger-pain thing was all about, as he never mentioned it after that. I hope I didn’t terrify him into denial. He seemed completely fine after I kissed him multiple times and apologized and flogged myself and donned my Virtual Hairshirt (see above, re: Catholic), but I know that somewhere in the Future, a therapist is profiting from my failure as a parent.

I may be overreacting a tiny little bit. But one of my worst memories from childhood was being subjected to screaming by adults who believed that their anger or upset entitled them to scream whatever they felt like screaming, as loudly as they felt like screaming it. And now, experiencing that same loss of control with my own kid… well. It does fuck with one’s head, a little bit. It does make one feel like something lower than dirt. Whenever I was screamed at, it felt like there was a hole opening up inside me, like anything happy I had experienced before was false and I was stupid to believe it, and if I looked into the hole I would fall and fall and keep falling. I know it makes no sense but it’s the best way I can describe it, and God help me if I make Henry feel like that. The last thing I ever, ever want to do is make him feel like that.

Comments

[Maysie]

Oh, Alice.
I think we were channelling the same Tantrum Fairy this morning-- I didn't get mad at my kid, but I -did- lose it at his dad. There's nothing to lessen the satisfaction of screaming "Fuck YOU!" more then hearing a little voice say "Fuck you? Fuck YOU? Fuck you!" for the next hour. I totally relate to your guilt (though in my case it's the product of a different religion). All I can say is that I believe that our self-consciousness about our behaviour (exhausting as it is) will, in the long run, keep our kids safe from our occasional excesses. At least that's what I tell myself so that I can get back to sleep in the morning when my partner takes the boy out to buy me coffee...

[TitanKT]

I can relate to your morning so much your story almost made me cry. I yelled at my kid this morning, too. For playing with his toys. Well, more specifically for dumping a bucket filled with hundreds of cars out on the floor and leaving them right in the path to the kitchen and bathroom... somewhat justified, but I know I must've sounded to him like I was screaming at him for playing with his toys.

Since then, however, I have hugged and kissed him numerous times and told him how much Mommy loves him and tickled him and given him snacks and let him watch Blue's Clues. And I don't do that stuff to make up for bad behavior on my part, I do it because he's cute and lovable and I can't help it.

I think he's just going to have to deal with who I am just as I have learned to deal with who he is. I can feel guilty, but that doesn't change anything and it's ultimately not a very constructive thing to do. Who knows, maybe occasional bursts of unexplained irrationality will help our children deal with change and difficult personalities in their adult lives. It doesn't HAVE to be bad, right?

P.S. I was one of the many who clogged up your email inbox. Sorry... I didn't mean to be a pest.

[Kelly]

Don't worry--
We all have our days, or we are not human. If Henry doesn't learn that, then he'd be imbalanced.
Catholic guilt is an icky, burning, controlling thing. Ugh.

From reading your posts, I would be happy to have you as a co-mom (as my Mom is still cool, but I remember the days).

hang in there!

[Sue]

(I am not a new reader, just have a new blog and email.)

I wear that hair shirt too. I was raised Catholic but not so very Catholic that we respected the Pope or went to church, so it might be more than that, it might just be that we live in an era when empathy for our children's feelings is a big part of parenting and we remember when it wasn't like that and it took a fair amount of therapy or at least self-help books with the word shame in the title, to get somewhat clear of how bad it felt, and then we find ourselves repeating patterns and it makes us even more cranky and sad, so we keep yelling.

My take, after one year of parenting a 3 then 4 year old who knew my buttons before she got off the plane and started pressing them approximately 24 hours later (and behaves so much like Henry the only difference between them is that they were born in two different countries!) is that I am unlikely ever to be completely immune to knee jerk imitations of those who raised me.

However, unlike those who raised me, I dole out forgiveness generously and ask for it almost as often. Now that can backfire because if you apologize too often, your kid comes to you-- after having been rightfully disciplined in your mind but certainly not in theirs-- and says "do you have something to say to me?" fully expecting me to self-flagellate for having set a limit.

Damn it's a tough tightrope we walk!

[kate]

I dont have kids, so I cant say, "I did that this morning too!" but I am sure that I will do the same thing someday. Living with people is frustrating, no matter how wonderful or cute they are. Throw the hair shirt away and make yourself some coffee.

[FlippyO]

I also have no children, but I do have one pet who will repeat anything I say, so I'm confined to, "Stop that, right now! They're in! (the dogs, that is) and Quiet!" I'm my real fucking self downstairs, away from the African Grey, because I'm afraid she'll repeat my bad moods for the next 70+ years, over and over and over.

After the Thomas the Tank excitement, Henry will forget anything ever happened that was unrelated to the glory that is...Thomas the Tank.

But now, I feel as though I shouldn't comment. I'm walking downstairs flogging myself, "Self, maybe she hated your comments in particular. Self, go have a smoothie and forget about that mean mean woman who didn't want to read your comments." Hmmm, maybe you were right in your assessment, I appear to be a crazy person talking to myself.

[Lioness]

Well, I don't have kids and have been doing it for almost 24 h.

One thing that is pervasive throughout your posts is the absolute love you have for Henry. No point in telling you not to feel bad bcs you will beat your chest for as long as you must - but know that that love shines loudly through a computer screen. Henry will have no trouble identifying it IRL and securing himself within its foundations, even when confronted w a screaming banshee.

[ProudMary]

Time to fess up: I may be to blame for the finger thingy, which could possibly have been referred pain (using the temporarily-bad-mother galactic wormhole) from my son's episode yesterday when the World's Worst Mother for a brief moment let his hand go whilst carrying hot food and the finger, it went right in. Tears, blisters, oh my god. All my fault.

You know, we all slip up. It's not entirely a bad thing for Henry to know that people get frustrated and mad, the important thing is that you made up for it. He needed you and you held him and made it better.

[MainlineMom]

Oh I feel you, girl. I am at my wits end this week with my newly mobile 11 month old going straight for all that is vorboten. The dog dish is he personal favorite. I say "No" low and firm the first couple times. But after the second time-out and countless "No"s and redirects, I start yelling. I always feel bad afterward, but what do I do? I yell because my mother yelled.

[Abigail]

I am mostly a lurker, and I haven't read the other comments, but I wanted to empahtize. I think my son is slightly younger than yours (he turned 3 in July) but I have SO had those mornings. We're having them a lot recently because he is supposed to be taking some medicine before he eats and now every morning is a big fight over drinking the "special drink" as I call it or "that stuff" as he calls it.

I just want to explode some days. Most days I don't though. Most.

[Dana]

I have no kids - I am thus unqualified to give advice on childrearing..but this is the internet, and dammit, it's my g-d given right to give everyone unsolicited advice! (put a little "wink" at the end of that, ok?)

Kids needs to see all ranges of behaviour - even the frustrated yelling kind! - and as ProudMary said, the fact that you followed it up by apologizing is, like, the best thing in the world.

I've got nothing but admiration for you.

[kalisah]

oh honey, we all lose our temper once in a while. That doesn't make us our manic parents.

Don't beat yourself up. We'll do worse to our children before they're grown, I'm sure, than yell now & then.

[buffi]

Oh, thank goodness you are a real mommy and not a perfect Stepford Mommy. You make me feel much less inadequate in doing the same stuff that I do. Dana is right. Apologizing makes a world of difference. Even good mommies lose it and Henry knows how much you love him. He really probably won't remember any of this after his Thomas excursion. Stop flogging yourself and enjoy the peace and quiet. Go to the bathroom and actually shut the door! Have something to eat or drink and don't share with anyone!

He will be so happy to see you when he gets home & you will be happy to hear about Thomas, et al.

[Sheryl]

We have all, all, all of us lost it with our kids at one time or another. If we always spoke in dulcet tones our kids would have a shock when they met Crazy Shuffling Guy on the Q train, and then they'd have to tell their therapist about that. Better to be scarred by someone who loves them, that's what I always say.

[Lisa C.]

Yeah, I took my bad mommy pills about two weeks ago. It was a day from hell, that ended in an hour of screaming on both mine and my son's part. I was convinced that I am the World's Worst Mother (TM).

I also let him eat junk food and he watches too much TV. See? World's Worst Mother (TM). You are not alone.

[honestyrain]

me too, today, with crying and asking for the children to get out of this room so i can cry and bemoan my sad existence in peace and quiet. thank god for husbands on a day such as this. i too hate that i have yelled but agree that the apology is what counts. acknowledging your humaness. humanness. human ness.

bugger.

humanity.

child 1 is currently screaming and so must go. i don't think he learned this kind of thing from me. not at all.

[Sue]

My children were little many years ago, but I remember doing the same thing. Every now and then people lose it and yell. If we didn't, we'd probably explode or worse, hurt somebody. But I did make a point, whenever I did it, of apologizing to my children afterwards, explaining why I did it, what my feelings were and why I needed to deal with them that way, and further explaining that it didn't mean that I didn't love them, because I did, more than anything else in the world, ever. They bought it, and we had a really great communication and support system, as we still do as they're in their 30's. We have always been able to talk about anything, whether it was their bad or mine, explain what our feelings were, and put our anger behind us. So don't feel bad when it happens, just use it as a learning experience and an experience that will strengthen your relationship.
God bless you all.
Sue D

[Lin]

I don't think it's such a great thing for children to grow up in a home where emotions are stifled and their every whimsical demand is catered to with sweetness and endless patience. It isn't real. As long as Henry is loved, he'll do fine. He'll just have to come to terms with the world's vagueries and one day he'll understand that life isn't flat. It's full of highs and low and not just his. Now try and enoy the weekend and stop beating yourself up over this thing.

[Suebob]

I disagree with everyone. You are a horrible mom and I am shocked, shocked that you could have ever thought that you should reproduce.

Ok, enough sarcasm. Big hug instead.

[BabelBabe]

Can we all blame it on the weather? I have been doing exactly what you did this morning all frigging week - the alternate cycles of rage and guilt are about to kill me. I have uttered in all seriousness to my husband, "I should NEVER have had children, and they would be better off without me." and such is our relationship in this awful weather and stress that I think he wanted to agree with me : )

Hang in there. We're all in this together.

[Stacy]

Been there, done that, felt like shit. I had a "rage-a-holic" mother and swore I'd never lose control like that. I did, though. The only consolation? It scared me so badly it's only happened once.

So far. Please God.

[rose]

Apparently, you've been reading another chapter out of my forthcoming book, "How to Fuck Up Your Marriage AND Your Kids in One Easy Step". It's all I seem to do lately. New teaching job starting soon, oldest son almost 13, rocky marriage, youngest son with his own set of issues...some charmed life I'm leading!

But don't fear...a weekend with Thomas will fix everything for Henry.

[Very Mom]

Oh I can't stand it - the mother guilt. I'm having the same horrible feelings over our Fun Family Vacation from Hell this weekend. Maybe I really am raising future jail bait. *weep*

Also, am also experimenting with no comments and it has resulted in a similar conundrum. Nobody likes me, yet I have e-mail to answer and I won't!

[Candice]

There's nothing like screaming at your children, " I don't want to hear another goddamn word until we get home! Shut your mouths!" Yes, I deserve some flailing too. That is me at my all time lowest, circa yesterday. Cheers.

[Heatheranne]

I have screamed at my twelve year old more times than I'd like to admit. I've also shut myself in my bedroom and cried because I don't know how to be a parent more times than I'd like to admit.

[White]

I have no advice to give, as I have no kids. But here's my experience from the other side.

There were times when I was little(little = 2 to 5 years old) when my mom completly lost it. And to borrow your word, I was terrified. I don't even remember what I did , but I still remember her reaction.

But as I grew older, I was able to put this into perspective. I understand now that she isn't perfect, and she was going through a lot of stress at the time.

And despite those rare occurrences, I love and trust my mom more than anyone else I know. What I am so ineloquently trying to say is that, a few bad experiences don't make a relationship. My guess? Henry already knows all the love that you have for him.

[Nobody]

The key fact in Henry's life is that -- in general -- you are there for him when he needs you for things little and small. That he _expects_ you to fix whatever is wrong with his hand tells you that. Blowing a fuse every now and then doesn't change that fact in his mind or for real.

Have a good weekend.

[Lisa]

I can't tell you how relieved I was to read your post...IT'S NOT JUST ME!! Let's see - yesterday I spent 20 minutes sitting on the floor with my hands over my ears trying to figure out what the hell to do as my son (who turns 3 Sept. 5) proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs and flail at me for no discernable reason until I finally screamed in his face "GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!!!" at which point he dissolved into a quivering mass of tears on the floor. Meanwhile, my six month old was over in the pack n'play wondering what the hell was going on. And taking notes, I'm sure. Lordy be.

[Crazy MomCat]

Ok, I'm a long-time reader of your blog, but rarely comment. I had to delurk to tell you HOW much I relate to your day. I actually had a similar tantrum this morning with me flailing myself on the bed and shutting the door behind me, telling everyone to leave me alone!

I also had parents who yelled. I will blog about it someday because it does change you as a person. And now, there are days I find myself yelling at my son or my husband. I instantly feel guilty and beat myself up inside about.

The thing is, I don't want to be that parent, just as you don't. But, we're human. And real people get upset sometimes. Not to mention the pressure moms have and put on themselves which adds to the anger build-up.

So, cut yourself some slack and I'll try to take my own advice here the next time my voice raises. At least we're conscious of it and attempting to not yell. That has to be better than our parents, right? Hang in there.

[melissaS]

When Henry is in therapy he will bring his laptop to the appointments and will show his therapist your view on this Mother-Child Tantrum and she/he will struggle not to laugh and also, Henry will understand how hard it is to stay in control in the face of the maddening insanity of the nearly 3 year old.

One of the things I love about the internet is the ability to write long ass sentences. Also, when people say, "What will your child think when he reads this later in life!?" Our children will know us as humans and that is not at all a bad thing.

I hope your weekend alone was at least refreshing.

[flea]

Sometimes I think I lose it yell at my kids once a week, at least. And my oldest child has Asperger's, which makes me feel like total dog poo after I lose my temper with him. And sometimes, just to be extra mature, I hide from him for the rest of the day. Out of guilt.

["George"]

Why are you beating yourself up over this? Maybe you're kid needs to be yelled at every once in a while to know that that behavior isn't correct? If I had ever told one of my parents to "GO AWAY" at any age, there would have been hell to pay.
I don't mean to write this to make you feel worse, but it just seems to me we are too permissive with our kids today and allow them to make us feel bad when they are being little monsters. After all, they are kids and do need some discipline, right.

[VenturaMom]

Dude, have a Malibu rum & diet coke and chill. We moms use up so much energy feeling guilty (said the other recovering Catholic). Let it go and get back to mothering your wonderful kid (after he comes back from Thomas-land).

[tiffany]

thank you for writing this.

[Kruge]

I am one of those rare few children that was raised in somewhat the perfect family.I haven't been shouted at for..the first twelve years of my life. Few children are this lucky but while this may sound nearly perfect it isn't. I've known only a few other people that were raised in a similar family and generally..we're a bit overprotected.
I'd say it tends to create passive, shy people who generally lack character. Not really a good thing.
Children who were raised more in a..umm..normal houdehold(like yours), seem to actually be doing much better.

Reality may be a bit harsh but your kid will be better off.
But where's the limit?hard to tell.

[Andrea]

I have been reading you for a while now, never commented before, but, like others, feel I must in light of your current post. My children are not so small anymore (five boys ages 9-15, the oldest 6 when the fifth was born, so I never yelled or lost my temper. Yeah, right--.), and I won't bore you with the "just wait until they're teenagers" bullcrap that I got when they were young (although it's true)(UNBELIEVEABLY TRUE!), but I agree with the comment above that it's not the actual tantrum that you should focus on, but the opportunity to apologize for being human. Even though he's small now, if you start, it'll be something you do as he grows, and it breaks the cycle of that entitled-to-yell-because-I'm-the-parent-and-you're-not syndrome. And kids need to know how to fix things when you mess up. An apology goes much further than a justification from a mom.

[kassi]

Thank goodness I'm not the only one. We all have those moments/ days/weeks. I just have to remember that an apology goes a long long way. Even said to the children is better than nothing.

[E]

Well, if the old adage "misery loves company" is true, you should be feeling better after reading all of these comments. I was getting ready to echo the same sentiments of everyone above. We've all lost it with our kids/spouses/significant others. We all feel crappy afterwards. All we can do is apologize and try to move forward. Being able to apologize is good role modeling behavior. He'll remember and learn from that!

[helllonwheeels]

My son is 24 years old now. I remember those kind of days. My parents did the raging, screaming thing and that was that. I remember losing it on my kid and husband like you did. The difference was that I apologized and explained that sometimes mommy's had temper tantrums too, and that it was something I was going to learn how not to do, just like he was learning how not to pitch a fit in the grocery store.

Kids will also create a diversion and get in the middle of their fighting parents - like the hurt finger. It made you take the focus off his daddy.

To this day, my son will tell people that he mastered his temper tantrums before I did... the big shit! I tell him he didn't have to live with a toddler or a teenager at the time, so he had an advantage.

[roo]

First off, I'll join the chorus of people writing to let you know that you're a great mom (from reading your posts, that's easy to see).

Screaming was pretty much an everyday occurrence in my home growing up, especially after I hit middle school, when my mom and I fought like cats. I worry about creating that kind of home for my kids someday, because there are definitely times when hot rage seems to bubble up out of me and burn anyone unfortunate enough to be nearby, and kids are really good at finding and pushing the wrong buttons, repeatedly. On the other hand, the older I get the more I understand my mom's side of things, and she and I are really close (truth to tell, we probably fought so much because we're too much alike). And when I compare my relationship with my family to my husband's with his, I'm glad that I came from a family where we were honest about what we were feeling, instead of letting resentment and distance brew under smooth surfaces for years.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that you shouldn't be hard on yourself. Most of this stuff comes out in the wash, and the important part is that Henry knows you love him.

[kelly]

"Whenever I was screamed at, it felt like there was a hole opening up inside me, like anything happy I had experienced before was false and I was stupid to believe it, and if I looked into the hole I would fall and fall and keep falling."

That about sums it up. I know that feeling so well it scares me, and it scares me more that occasionally I'm the one doing the screaming at my kids, and I watch that feeling move like a slow storm across their faces and then I know I'm probably not supposed to be raising children.

I'm sorry you had a hard morning. Hopefully you'll get some good head space with them gone for the weekend, get back into that elusive wholeness...

[Cherie]

I totally relate to your post--I think most of us have been there and done that. I now try to warn my kids when I'm in a bad mood or at least explain after the fact how I was feeling and that it wasn't fair to take it out on them. I also try not to get to that point--though after a week alone with my kids, it's hard to avoid. It's no wonder to me that house arrest is a form of punishment and that sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

[schmutzie]

Oh, Alice. I grew up with nice parents, really nice parents, and yet you would not believe a couple of incidents I remember. And my parents are still nice people. And I am not locked up somewhere. See?

[jenny]

I too have the childhood memory of how awful it felt when adults screamed; to me it felt vastly, overwhelmingly unjust. And yelling was not uncommon in our house.

Yet, my recollections of childhood are primarily happy. I knew I was loved, appreciated, doted on, even, to a degree. I was a happy kid, and I'm a mostly happy adult.

Henry was pushin' buttons because he knew, somewhere, that he was going to spend time away from you. :) As odd as it may seem, that's because you guys have a strong and loving and healthy and normal relationship. The kind that withstands all kinds of behavior.

You wouldn't be such a wonderful momma if you didn't feel like a terrible one once in awhile. At least, that's what I try to tell myself...

The pope ain't got nothin' on Thomas the Tank Engine, who performs miracles of the toddler variety hundreds of times a day. I say switch religions, and let's all move to Sodor. The engines can be whiny and snippy, but then who isn't?

[Running2Ks]

I can totally relate. It took courage for you to talk about this, and I'm the 45th commenter to give you virtual hugs, I'm sure. You recognize it for what it is, you'll have a break, and you'll come back and start over. Your child will forgive, your husband will, you will. Parenting isn't something we can do perfectly every day. I do hope you can feel better, and cut yourself some slack. You are a good Mommy!

[emjaybee]

Is it pointless to post just to agree with what everyone said? Yet I do. All the little gestures of love you do every day will matter more than the few times you lost it, especially if you apologized. And really, if you could withstand that sort of morning WITHOUT losing it, you would be a saint and probably insufferable. Mornings like that are just things you can't always be expected to deal with while smiling and humming a happy tune. If Henry ever reads this when he's older, he'll probably come up to you and say "Mom I am so sorry I was such a little freakout monster that day." Otherwise, I doubt he'll remember it at all.

[Cath]

Sounds like a typical day in my house. I'm just suprised i'm not bald already from tearing my hair out!

[Em]

I don't have anything new to add, except judging by all your entries, I think Henry is (and will be) fine.

XXX.

[miel]

OK, another teary eyed reader. Yes, subjected to much yelling. And am personally subject to freak outs (that the kid doesn't even cause...let me repeat SHE IS BEING SUBJECT TO INSANITY AND HASN'T DONE A THING). When she hears me now starting to curse under my breath to myself she does one of two things (1) starts to make pre-crying noises (2) Says "HI" "HI" "HI" to distract her insane mother so she won't go insane.

She is so little--she only has one sentence! How does she know that I am insane? I always thought she wasn't paying attention but NOPE!

Ow. It hurts your heart. Did it hurt your parents heart on your behalf? If not, let's hope that is the crucial lifesaving difference.

[Victoria]

Oh, I can so totally relate to this post it's making ridiculous tears of self-hatred run down my guilt ridden cheeks. The same thing has happened at my house, unfortunately more than once. I am sure Henry will be okay as I've been reading your site for a while and You are an AWESOME MOM, so I'd chalk it up to a Bad Morning and go and make yourself a drink. It's okay, mama.