finslippy: I just have to figure out how he printed this.

I found the following tucked away in a corner of Henry's crib. I am so onto him.

Date: April 1, 2005
To: Child 4A0765B-1007@children.com, toddler_unit@children.com
From: Kevin, VP, Toddler Division
Subject: Quarterly Objectives

Happy new year, company members! As you know, our first quarter was a fruitful and productive one. By working together to delay our bedtimes, we acquired over 53,000 extra hours of valuable awake time. That’s 53,000 more hours of running in circles. 53,000 more hours of shaking our heads wildly and arching our backs. 53,000 more hours of the Parents straining to communicate that toothbrushes do not go in the diaper. We have seen the Parents falter and ultimately give way under our consistent efforts, and we are proud.

It should be mentioned that some of our members have made great strides in drastically limiting the variety of foodstuffs they allow to enter their face-holes. We are thinking especially of Child 3A0762C-0908, who now ingests only raisins and lukewarm water sipped from a plastic spork; Child 5B0755F-0528: ketchup on crackers and the occasional mashed grape; and, most breathtakingly, Child 8A0576L-0108: plain dried breadcrumbs licked off a moistened index finger.

For the second quarter of 2005, we’ve strengthened our resolve and shown what a little determination and a lot of screeching can accomplish. And we are ready for the next phase: Operation No-Pants.

Every morning without failing, the Caregivers initiate a dressing procedure that is tiresome at best and scratchy at worst. It distracts us from our viewing of Elmo and limits our access to our smooth smooth skin. Their motives are puzzling: either they are jealous of our smooth smooth skin or else are attempting to break our wills by imposing nonsensical rules and demanding that we comply. But they will not succeed, friends. Because we will resist.

So: no matter how sopping wet or poop-crammed your diaper is, refuse to let Caregiver remove it. Declare that diaper to be your FAVORITE DIAPER. Do not allow any larger beings to lay a finger on it. For motivation, imagine that said diaper is part of your body, like a real tushie over your tushie. If any attempt is made to remove it, you will scream. Remember: the Scream is your friend. Caregivers live in fear of the Scream. If you add to the Scream “No hit! No hit!” they’re sure to back away for fear of the authorities coming after them.

Once a clean diaper is on very little can stop them from dressing you. The soiled diaper is your last and best hope.

Now that you’ve mastered toddler-ese, use it! Declare your opinions at each and every turn, and make sure that they are as vague and baffling as your pronunciation. If Caregiver explains that dressing is a vital step in a traveling-to-playground initiative, screech, “Murfy! TOO MURFY!” Do not explain. Never explain.

But why do we resist, you ask? Why not get dressed and enter the playground, where fun could possibly had? Because, that’s why. Because because because. Because we must take every stand we are able to take. Also! Because Caregiver is deceiving you. There is another, better playground, a Naked Playground, with balloons and ice cream and cake. The soiled diaper will lead the way. This is true, we think.

Onward!

Kevin

Comments

Just read your site for the first time and OH MY GOD, I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I think my son is Kevin.

Posted by: what a life | May 19, 2005 at 12:37 AM

Absolutely excellent.

Posted by: Bea | May 19, 2005 at 04:02 AM

Laughing too hard, must stop before I drop the baby...

Posted by: t'pon | May 19, 2005 at 02:38 PM

Delurking to say, BRILLIANT!

Posted by: Darcie | May 19, 2005 at 06:58 PM

I think my daughter, Elli, received that memo.

Posted by: Bente | May 20, 2005 at 03:14 AM

i hope kevin gets diaper rash.

Posted by: Sarcastic Journalist | May 20, 2005 at 11:17 AM

You are the best! Hope all goes well.

Posted by: Jenny D. | May 20, 2005 at 03:02 PM

I knew it!

I suspect the toddlers I know are in on this as well.

Posted by: Patrick | May 27, 2005 at 11:38 PM

Where exactly did you find this in Henry's crib? Because I'm pretty sure my Veronica has the same memo stashed away somewhere.

Too funny. My husband and I cracked up.

Posted by: Maranie | June 01, 2005 at 09:11 AM

This is funny but it's actually a pretty good idea.

Anyone want to start our own naked playground? Do you think we'll need permits? I think monkey-bars will be my favorite.

I don't have kids yet but I'll get some if means trips to the naked playground.

Posted by: Chuck | June 10, 2005 at 10:46 AM

For some strange reason, I can't find the "subscribe to" link on your site, else I would surely have my own copy of this by now.

Posted by: susan | June 10, 2005 at 12:12 PM

Um, that might be the funniest thing I have ever read. There is no doubt in my mind that this secret society exists. I think my nephew just went to a symposium called, Spiderman: Don't just watch it, BE IT! This is great!

Posted by: Toren | June 10, 2005 at 02:18 PM

Sweet fancy Moses!

Don't do that to me when I am drinking...I'm cleaning up my desk now and still trying to get the bubbles out of my sinuses.

As a father of 3 (soon to be 4), that is my young ones to a T. The oldest 2 have outgrown that but now I have 13 yr old boy hormones to contend with. At least the 8 yr old is calm right now.

Hilarious...I just started giggling again...

Posted by: Chuck | June 10, 2005 at 02:21 PM

Dear Kevin,

I would like to know if we can start a frequent flyer program for the number of minutes spent awake between 2am and 5am. I believe I have already logged 4,389 minutes and would love for that to translate into a trip to Hawaii -- where then I can wake my parents up in a new time zone (say, 4am?) and beg to go swimming.

Thanks!
Kira

Posted by: Lora | June 10, 2005 at 05:28 PM

I would like to know if we can start a frequent flyer program for the number of minutes spent awake between 2am and 5am. I believe I have already logged 4,389 minutes and would love for that to translate into a trip to Hawaii -- where then I can wake said Parents up in a new time zone (say, 4am?) and beg to go swimming.

P.S. I would also like to nominate my brother for Employee of the Year. This year, he successfully instituted a "Delay Getting into Your Carseat" strategy that included begging, arching (amazing how effective that one is), and whining "I want to do it myself." (I believe he only let up around the Christmas holiday when the threat of Gift Loss loomed too heavily.)

Posted by: Lora | June 10, 2005 at 05:43 PM

I just KNEW there was a manifesto somewhere. My child must have eaten his to destroy the evidence. Thanks for ratting them out!

Posted by: RagDoll | June 11, 2005 at 02:53 AM

Oh god. So, so very true.

-- Chris

Posted by: Chris Aylott | June 11, 2005 at 02:14 PM

AWESOME!! My kid is now 5 and I have to admit, I forgot about some of that...don't miss it!! Very very clever!

Posted by: Kelli | June 12, 2005 at 02:54 PM

Funny? This is supposed to be funny? I thought someone had leaked a real memo; that's how well it describes what's going on in *my* house. ;-D

This is hilarious...as a single mom of two-year-old twin girls, I need all the laughs I can get!

Posted by: Holly | June 12, 2005 at 09:29 PM

You are my new favorite blogger- that memo was so incredibly, deliciously entertaining! You are such a gifted writer.

Posted by: Eve | June 14, 2005 at 12:16 AM

I have not laughed so hard for a long time. Thank you.

Posted by: Mike Ray | June 15, 2005 at 09:23 PM

This is without a doubt the most hilarious thing I have ever read in my life. IN MY LIFE, I TELL YOU!!

Posted by: Eulallia | June 24, 2005 at 08:38 PM

Holy crap (no pun intended), that is some funny shit. (Damn, that was another pun. Sorry.) But really, just so freaking funny.

Posted by: Karla | July 02, 2005 at 05:29 PM

That's fantastic. Now if only I could work out when my 2 yo had time to make transatlantic partners in crime...

Posted by: Melissa | July 08, 2005 at 12:39 AM

Sweet, sweet Jesus...it's all so true!

Posted by: Krooie | July 12, 2005 at 07:44 PM

Oh, my dear, dear God. God above, that is unspeakably hilarious. CRYING. Tears of JOY.

Posted by: Tina | August 11, 2005 at 01:51 AM

Oh god. We're there, and she's only just turned one! Who sent out the memo early?! hee hee hee!

Posted by: Mel | August 11, 2005 at 06:28 AM

As I'm about to have a child of my own, I found this "memo" particularly fascinating. It should be copied and forwarded to all parents of toddlers and all future-parents. We have to stay one step ahead!

Posted by: Amanda | August 12, 2005 at 12:05 PM

Hilarious!

Posted by: Foxforcefive | August 17, 2005 at 12:50 PM

Perfect!! I was wondering why Jacob was hiding that letter from me- and always hogging the computer! I see Jake is following suit with the memo and has also taken the ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! method when it comes to diaper changes!!

Posted by: Kelly | September 28, 2005 at 04:13 PM

OMG. Do you know how long it's been since I've truly laughed so hard I cried. DO YOU KNOW? I am now wondering if I'm pregnant or something. Of course while reading it, laughing, and crying, my five year old walks in and coyly asks "what is it, mommy" like he doesn't KNOW. All my 3 yr old's behavior makes so much sense now. Is it wrong that I am comforted to know he's actually following SOMEONE's rules instead of just being, say, possessed?

Posted by: SeoulMom | December 17, 2005 at 05:29 AM

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