I just have to figure out how he printed this.

I found the following tucked away in a corner of Henry's crib. I am so onto him.

Date: April 1, 2005
To: Child 4A0765B-1007@children.com, toddler_unit@children.com
From: Kevin, VP, Toddler Division
Subject: Quarterly Objectives

Happy new year, company members! As you know, our first quarter was a fruitful and productive one. By working together to delay our bedtimes, we acquired over 53,000 extra hours of valuable awake time. That’s 53,000 more hours of running in circles. 53,000 more hours of shaking our heads wildly and arching our backs. 53,000 more hours of the Parents straining to communicate that toothbrushes do not go in the diaper. We have seen the Parents falter and ultimately give way under our consistent efforts, and we are proud.

It should be mentioned that some of our members have made great strides in drastically limiting the variety of foodstuffs they allow to enter their face-holes. We are thinking especially of Child 3A0762C-0908, who now ingests only raisins and lukewarm water sipped from a plastic spork; Child 5B0755F-0528: ketchup on crackers and the occasional mashed grape; and, most breathtakingly, Child 8A0576L-0108: plain dried breadcrumbs licked off a moistened index finger.

For the second quarter of 2005, we’ve strengthened our resolve and shown what a little determination and a lot of screeching can accomplish. And we are ready for the next phase: Operation No-Pants.

Every morning without failing, the Caregivers initiate a dressing procedure that is tiresome at best and scratchy at worst. It distracts us from our viewing of Elmo and limits our access to our smooth smooth skin. Their motives are puzzling: either they are jealous of our smooth smooth skin or else are attempting to break our wills by imposing nonsensical rules and demanding that we comply. But they will not succeed, friends. Because we will resist.

So: no matter how sopping wet or poop-crammed your diaper is, refuse to let Caregiver remove it. Declare that diaper to be your FAVORITE DIAPER. Do not allow any larger beings to lay a finger on it. For motivation, imagine that said diaper is part of your body, like a real tushie over your tushie. If any attempt is made to remove it, you will scream. Remember: the Scream is your friend. Caregivers live in fear of the Scream. If you add to the Scream “No hit! No hit!” they’re sure to back away for fear of the authorities coming after them.

Once a clean diaper is on very little can stop them from dressing you. The soiled diaper is your last and best hope.

Now that you’ve mastered toddler-ese, use it! Declare your opinions at each and every turn, and make sure that they are as vague and baffling as your pronunciation. If Caregiver explains that dressing is a vital step in a traveling-to-playground initiative, screech, “Murfy! TOO MURFY!” Do not explain. Never explain.

But why do we resist, you ask? Why not get dressed and enter the playground, where fun could possibly had? Because, that’s why. Because because because. Because we must take every stand we are able to take. Also! Because Caregiver is deceiving you. There is another, better playground, a Naked Playground, with balloons and ice cream and cake. The soiled diaper will lead the way. This is true, we think.

Onward!

Kevin

Comments

[Alison]

teehee.

[Angela]

I think that might be the funniest thing I have ever read. Because.

[stacey]

beautiful!

[halloweenlover]

I love it! Ha ha!!!

Now which toddler is Henry? Mashed up grapes or dried bread crumbs?

[S-Way]

I believe in the Naked Playground.

[Jen]

As a lifelong 'not having kids'er, you almost make me want to.

Except I probably wouldn't be so eloquent and hilarious.

[Susie]

So that must have been the piece of paper I saw my son chewing and trying to swallow before I could get it out. His diaper avoidance strategy is to ROLL! ROLL! ROLL! once the diaper has been sprung.

[Meghan]

Genius.
Toddlers live in A Brave New World -- that explains everything.

[Karen, Suburban Mommy Disguise]

Dear Sirs;

I am writing to ask that you cease and desist from any further communication with our son Mason. It has come to our attention that where formerly Mason was only conversant with the rules involving the screaming and poopy diaper portion of your memo, he has now had the glorious information about the naked playground shared with him. Due to this new information we are now rising at 5 a.m. in hopes of getting him to submit to clothing due to sheer exhuastion when we need to leave the house at 9 a.m.

Thank you for your help in this matter.

Mason's Mommy

[panajane]

It's all so clear now.

[mommyd]

This explains everything. Now I now why my three do what they do. Thanks for clarification in a most hilarious way!

[DM]

Oh, my God, you are brilliant. Seriously. I am so sending this to my sister. She will love it. It will explain a lot, I think, about my nephew.

[MelissaS]

oh, Alice.

It's impossible not to love you.

[alice]

I know.

[LOD]

Oh, you darling monoprogenitors with your quaint little monoprogenic problems. It's sweet, really.

I'm trying out my new holier-than-thou schtick. How's it sound so far?

[Calliope]

This is a great start to an awesome children's book. I so wanted an organization like this when I was a child toiling (oh, how I toiled!) under The Oppressive Adult Dictatorship (TOAD).

[buffi]

Kevin, huh??? You know, Kevin is the name of the guy (the Steve/Joe equivalent)on "Blue's Clues" in England. Go back & read that letter with a British accent. It's all coming together now!

[rina]

Hello. I have been reading your blog for the past few days and I think it's one of the funniest things out there. But this post was hands down the funniest and most creative thing I have read in a very long time. I will be needing information like this when I have my little one later this year. Oh yeah and I linked to you from my blog.

[BugsMom]

Oh goodness. It truly is a conspiracy! And my Bug is following orders to a T!

[Anne Glamore]

HA HA HA!! You and I ARE on the same wavelength - see our Xmas card from a few years ago at http://tinykingdom.typepad.com/tales_from_my_tiny_kingdo/2005/03/merry_xmas_let_.html

(Merry Christmas - Let Me Bum You Out) - March Archives

I love that you coded the kids w/ numbers!

Anne www.tinykingdom.typepad.com

[Stacia]

The Scream. Yes, yes, Edvard Munch's painting is all making sense to me now. And to know it's a coordinated plan...wow.

[Jennifer]

Okay, we can do this. They may have the willpower, the lungpower and the Power of Poop, but WE HAVE THE COMPUTERS, people. What we need to do is hack into their system and subtly alter the memos. Subtlety is key here. They are geniuses and as we know they forget nothing, so we must be crafty. Very crafty.

Alice, you're in charge of the Toddler Division, we can see if VeryMom wants to handle Newborns, and Sixes... <*softly menacing voice*> I'll handle Sixes.

Okay people, I'm going in. Who's with me?

[Em]

I think bribes are your friends. Bribe away. Screw you, Kevin!

[Ruth]

absolutely brilliant.

[alice]

Thank you, everyone, for not noticing that I left "Happy new year" in there, because I wrote this thing in January. Sigh. I remembered to change the date, but not that...

[Torrie]

AHA! I knew it!

[J.]

I thought Kevin's "happy new year" comment referred to the start of Children and Co.'s new fiscal year, on April Fool's. (Never mind that if it's the end of the first quarter, it can't be the new fiscal year yet; anti-logic is the toddler's secret weapon, and we must resist.)

[Mir]

Sometimes I have dreams about the Naked Playground, but for some reason those dreams never include my kids. Go figure.

I almost miss the insanity of the toddler reasoning years. Almost. Of course now I'm stuck with IT'S NOT FAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIR and that makes my eardrums bleed, so then I have to take a break and picture myself in my happy place... which, coincidentally, happens to be the Naked Playground.

[Christine]

This is just too funny! Thanks for letting us all in on it - we need all the help we can get! ;)

[joaaanna]

Kevin. Heh heh heh!

[Terri]

OMG...too funny!!!

[Kevin]

Recipient: Henry

RE:April 1 memo.

Abort!

We will regroup at the designated rendezvous for further instruction.

[Mike]

I guess you know what Robin Williams meant when he declare baby poop "a cross between toxic waste and velco"!

Funny post! ;0)

[True Jersey Girl]

OMG, that is so incredibly funny!!! Genius! My little one is just entering the toddler years so THANK YOU for alerting me to this memo of what is to come.

[sac]

Very clever, slippy. So clever I wish I would have thought of it first. Damn you!

[Kelli]

Hilarious!

I have to go and check my son's crib now1

[jilbur]

they stole the 'never explain' credo from Mary Poppins. Not the charming, kind Julie Andrews Mary Poppins--the original, snotty, vain, hard-assed, probably semi-psychotic original Mary Poppins with the violent temper. God I love those books.

[Poppy]

Let's just hope that A Person Who Shall Remain Nameless doesn't start upon the dreaded "I don't like poopy diapers so I remove them myself. And put the product filling them--oh, anywhere. The rug, maybe" way.

If that happens? Two words: Duct Tape.

--P.

[Misty]

OH - A little pee just came out - all sounds so familiar!!!

[sarah]

this reminds me of the day i had to box my son out to keep him from redovering his dirty diaper from the trash. it was THAT IMPORTANT. he cried for at least 1/2 hour over that indignity. thank god for my JV basketball coach.

[Very Mom]

Alice, will you marry me?

[Dr. Johnny Fever]

This post gave me wood, Alice. Teach me to be creative like that. Please.

[Gerah]

I'm going to print this and frame it.

[Liz in Maryland]

This post actually makes me happy that I have 2 teenage daughters! Did you hear me right ? 2 teenage daughters! The irrational toddler stage is way more difficult than the hormone induced teenage girl angst. I know it's hard to belive, but it's true.

[Becki]

I laughed so hard at that, I nearly woke up Child 8L9719J-0812, who can consume several lemon wedges at a sitting, but eschews peanut butter and jelly as well as macaroni and cheese.

Too murfy, indeed.

[Liz]

Oh good lord how I laughed. Thank you, that was wonderful. I also thought that we were talking about the toddler fiscal year as well.

[kat]

The best thing I have read in ages!

[Crystal]

Too funny! I swear, you're the most brilliant writer...

[Nicola]

Absolutely brilliant! Thanks for that, it made my day.

[sleepingmommy]

Ah yes, the scream. I refuse to submit to it. I will not bend to it. I don't care who it tortures I will not be ruled by it. I refuse. Anyone want to join the resistance?