The Verdict

First of all: I had no idea so many people had such strong thoughts about the city vs. the suburbs. You all scare me a little, but it’s a good kind of fear. I love you. Don’t hurt me.

So this weekend we drove to the UNNAMED SUBURB in New Jersey. (I don’t know why I’m not revealing the location. Maybe I’m afraid their town council will read this and come to my home with pitchforks? Maybe I just like to be difficult?) We had time to kill before our realtor appointment, so we got some lunch and wandered around the village square. What can I say about it? It was a village square. There were Cute Shoppes, and Not-So-Cute Shoppes, and some people who looked like people we could be friends with, and then other people who were probably nice too except they looked maybe a little inbred, and I'm sure that's not their fault so I shouldn't judge but I don't want to live near them there I said it. (You’d think, the way I’m talking, that we live some kind of Prospect Heights: The Musical! existence, in which we do-si-do'd with our neighbors every time we went out to catch the train. Like there are no weird people in Brooklyn. Frankly this should be the borough’s motto. “Brooklyn: Where the weird people are at!” Except I think it’s something like “The borough that loves you back” or something equally creepy.)

As we looked about, our emotions were running high. “This town doesn’t make me want to kill myself as much as I thought it would! I think!” I would say. “If that home up there had a broken picket fence I would impale myself upon it immediately,” my husband would reply. And then we’d wander some more, and it would be my turn to despair. “Don’t make me live here,” I’d whisper, and by then Scott would be squeezing my hand and saying, “No! This could be okay! Look, I see a comic-book store!”

It was like that for a while. Then we met with the realtor, a lovely woman who showed us every single home that has ever been built, ever. Did you sense a presence in your home? Yeah, that was us. We wandered through homes for hours. We wanted to stop her but our will had been utterly broken and all we could do was trail along, nodding obediently at the charming details and original woodwork and whatever the hell else she told us to look at.

The first house was so small, it made me angry: not at the realtor, just at the house. It made me want to punch it. No house should be that small. I didn’t think it was possible to cut our apartment in half and put one half on top of the other and call it a house, but they did it. Stupid house.

After that things get a little blurry. Most of the houses were dark and squalid and just plain too small. Some houses were large enough and otherwise fine, except they screamed SOMEONE DIED HERE to me. Maybe I’m morbid. But when the furniture is from the ‘30s and the appliances are from the ‘20s and adorning the walls are gauzy photos of grandkids and 50th wedding anniversary photo collages and the place smells like talcum and cat pee, with something cloying and unwholesome underneath… well. It was all I could do to keep from running away and screaming PLEASE I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN. In one house Scott stood in a windowed nook in a bedroom and announced, “This is where the ghost watches you when you sleep.” So it wasn’t just me.

We saw more of the insides of people’s homes than we ever wanted to see. One place was rife with Christian paraphernalia downstairs, and had a tanning bed upstairs. (Hey, Christians can be tan, too! Why not!) One had many different signs announcing the family’s name: the Danglers. “The Danglers live here!” “Join the Danglers for a Dangler reunion!” “Dangle gently in the breeze, the Dangler way!”

Finally we escaped and drove back, exhausted and hysterical. We could do it! We told each other. We could live here and have a yard and go to the city whenever we wanted and some of those places weren’t so bad and maybe the ghost will be friendly! We don't really want to do it, do we? But we could! Yes! But then we went home, sat down, and looked at the cold, hard facts. Moving is expensive. Homes are expensive. And say all you want that city living is pricey, but friends, you suburbs people have expenses that have never occurred to us city folk: cars and insurance for cars and heating and garbage collection and whatnot. And we can barely afford our thrice-a-week burritos.

Once we realized that we just plain couldn’t afford it, my god, how happy we felt. You mean we get to keep living here? In Brooklyn, the City That Touches You Inappropriately? So this is where we should be. And here we’ll stay, for now. Maybe for a long while. The best part is that I can stop thinking about real estate. And my obsessing ends…now. No, now. Wait, no. Nnnnow.

Comments

[Lisa V]

I just have to say "First!"

It's a relief to reach a decision, any decision. When that decision means you don't have to go to the liquor store to get boxes to pack all your stuff in, well that's always a good decision.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

Thank God.

[Ben]

Maybe, when the time comes, you will find some larger, dark, dank, appartment where the ghosts will watch you... In Brooklyn. ;)

[Farhvergnugen]

I can understand becoming pretty attatched to your neighborhood. You find the right spot, it fits, you're happy. I live in a wee little bungalow in Kansas City, Missouri--possibly the kind of house that would make you want to punch it for being so small, but something about it makes me happy. Being able to afford the darn place is one of many factors. But yeah, I love the neighborhood and therefore I suck up the little non-ideal things and enjoy the nicer parts of it.

Sorry the house-hunt was such a pain in the ass. Maybe something more suitable will come up again some other time.

[mainja]

we're going the other way, from a smaller town in a house to an apartment in a big city.

really, the key is a decision, any decision. and the relief you felt? that was the huge confirmation that you made the right one. ;)

[nicole]

i am so pleased and relieved for you.
no suburbs 4 u!

[Jen]

Going out and taking a look at the 'other side of the fence' is never a waste of time.

Even if all it does is reinforce why you're on the side you're on.

Brilliant posts. :)

[MetroDad]

Glad to hear you guys are staying put for now. Anyway, your story reminds me of an old friend who I grew up with in Manhattan. Being raised here, he never had much use for a car and therefore spent the first 30 years of his life without a driver's license. The only cars he'd ever really been in were NYC taxis. So, to make a long story short, my friend moves out of the city to NJ, where he is forced to purchase his first automobile. After a long vehicle search, he finally finds and purchases his ideal car...a used NYC taxi.

Welcome back!

[Sheryl]

One person's death bed is another person's steal-of-a-deal. We bought our house from a dead lady, um from her daughter. Sounds like something out of Agatha Christie, Death Makes A Sale

[Laura]

I'm so happy for you that you made a decision that left you with such a sense of relief. And I'm happy for the inappropriate touching, too.

[jo(e)]

Just here to say that I love the way you write. Your description of this whole tortorous process was just perfect.

[santosha]

yay!

you are right, there are soooo many suburban home owning expenses that you just never think about. for instance- we have a car payment, gas, auto insurance and monthly metronorth ticket. do you know how much that adds up to? over 800 dollars. insane! then we've got the millions of things that go wrong with the house, the yard upkeep, the high heating costs, etc etc etc. it will be cheaper for us to live in the city. i can't wait!

(also, i'm sure you know about this site and the attendent book series but clara hemphill's insideschools.com has made me feel a million times better about the nyc public school options)

[Amy]

Congrats on feeling relief! Of any kind! It's so rare and revitalizing. And you don't have to move your things--less dusting. And you already know the neighbors, like them or not. Even the pests are familiar. There's the same products on the same grocery store aisles and the post office is right where you left it. I am glad you are staying put for the time being and hope you can stretch out now, knowing you are where you should be!

[erinire]

gotta love it when the world makes the decision for you. Like when you are trying to figure out what to eat and then your boss brings you a turkey sandwich. Although, I'm sure you feel much more relief over the realization of expenses than I did upon receipt of the turkey and mayo.

[Em]

I DID feel a presence! I am so glad to know it was you. I hope you also helped yourself to some alcohol!

[LOD]

Glad you're at peace with it. But it's too bad you'll miss out on Christmas With The Danglers.

[missbanshee]

Oh Dios Mio, thank dog you ran away! I was born and raised in a NYC-Commuter NJ town, and it was heeeeeeeeeeeeeeell. Stay in Brooklyn, for the love of all that is bad touchy!

[MelissaS]

I'm happy except that the content would have been lovely.

The Danglers? Seriously?

And the Times was right. You are an angry woman when you're not blogging. Punching a house?

Really, Alice.

[FrumDad]

Dude. Not fair.

Whether or not there's a soul-sucking quality to the 'burbs, spending more than, oh, twenty minutes with a Real Estate Agent (even a REALTOR(TM)!) is like the Ninth Circle of totally frozen up by Satan's nuts soul-sucking.

So you come away from a perfectly nice place feeling like you've spent seven hours in a small room with a flickering fluorescent bulb.

--FD

[FrumDad]

(The "REALTOR" thing was a joke so inside, only I get it. Sorry.)

[Mir]

Did I miss the posts about Brooklyn touching you inappropriately? Shit.

[Jess]

I just read a(nother) Mom's NY-or-not essay an hour ago. See
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7241782/site/newsweek/
for more validation. Not that you need any.
Great post, I was LOL.
- Jess

[Monica]

..or you could move to Southern California where you can have TWO car payments, unholy car insurance rates, and even unholier real estate prices. I think I just convinced myself to move to Idaho.

[palinode]

Have you tried Canada? We get free candy for life from our government. Socialized candy! But lousy Cajun restaurants.

[Veronica]

Haha, FrumDad, I totally got the REALTOR (TM) joke. Yeah, I'm a dork.

[cohesash]

thank GOD. city all the way. can we have a bigger pic of the kid in the upper left corner? that's such a good pic.

[jilbur]

No? fine!!! more for us. *sniff*

naw, actually, I'm glad you found some peace ... the whole thing you describe was paiiiiinfully reminiscent of experiences we've had. I actually fired a real estate agent for no other reason than that I loathed her, and that she seemed to have no idea why the places she showed me made me writhe in horror.

[Yo No Se]

You did the right thing. You guys (just going on what I read here-I don't actually know you) so belong in Brooklyn.

[Yo No Se]

You did the right thing. You guys (just going on what I read here-I don't actually know you) so belong in Brooklyn.

[Manda]

Oh, my, yes. We are currently house shopping in Maine (we live in California, so this is very convenient). We want to move back to my native state because we have completely lost our minds. No, not really. We want our baby girl to grow up with family nearby, clean air, big lawns, good schools, around kids who don't get nose jobs at age 12, etc. (We understand we will be leaving behind gorgeous weather, the best food ever, culture and diversity, and yes, I am weeping as I write this.)

In Maine, a state populated by people so damned cheap it will make your eyes bleed and your heart cry out, many, many of the houses we have looked at (virtually--the real live in-person shopping happens this weekend) are missing two relatively important things: heat and/or electricity. I am not making this up. We have gotten to the point that the first thing we check on a new listing is that it has some sort of heat system in place (other than "space heater," which, I suppose, at least implies electricity), and that it has "circuit breakers, 110 volts." NOT "diesel generator," which would certainly strip a lot of the rustic charm out of living in the country, we think. Perhaps we are just picky.

I am guessing it is really remarkably unpleasant to live in Maine, a state that gets rather cold in the winter, without heat and/or electricity, but apparently to many of the state's homeowners, it beats actually shelling out precious, precious cash to get those installed.

Thanks for the fabulous, funny update. Maybe you should check to make sure a suburban ghost didn't hitch a ride back to Brooklyn with you.

[Manda]

Oh, my, yes. We are currently house shopping in Maine (we live in California, so this is very convenient). We want to move back to my native state because we have completely lost our minds. No, not really. We want our baby girl to grow up with family nearby, clean air, big lawns, good schools, around kids who don't get nose jobs at age 12, etc. (We understand we will be leaving behind gorgeous weather, the best food ever, culture and diversity, and yes, I am weeping as I write this.)

In Maine, a state populated by people so damned cheap it will make your eyes bleed and your heart cry out, many, many of the houses we have looked at (virtually--the real live in-person shopping happens this weekend) are missing two relatively important things: heat and/or electricity. I am not making this up. We have gotten to the point that the first thing we check on a new listing is that it has some sort of heat system in place (other than "space heater," which, I suppose, at least implies electricity), and that it has "circuit breakers, 110 volts." NOT "diesel generator," which would certainly strip a lot of the rustic charm out of living in the country, we think. Perhaps we are just picky.

I am guessing it is really remarkably unpleasant to live in Maine, a state that gets rather cold in the winter, without heat and/or electricity, but apparently to many of the state's homeowners, it beats actually shelling out precious, precious cash to get those installed.

Thanks for the fabulous, funny update. Maybe you should check to make sure a suburban ghost didn't hitch a ride back to Brooklyn with you.

[Wenchie]

I'm glad you checked out the options, made a steadfast decision, and are happy about it! THAT'S WHAT COUNTS!

[Uma Andersson]

In that movie....you know the one, with Kate Hudson, her sister dies, she gets the kids, gives up the kids, gets them again..yadda yadda yadda......you know the one !!

Well, yeah, in that movie, she gets an awesome apartment (never saw its equal in Brooklyn, not that I'm from or have lived there) however, what was I saying....oh yeah, she gets that like two/three bedroom, spacious apartment with cool (slightly) neighbours and a local Luthern School (I am, however from and have lived THERE!)......was that all just a bunch of NewHollyYork?

[Amanda Del Buono]

God I hate houseshopping. All I remember about it was that if the place was ugly, run-down, right nextdoor to 7-11, or spitting distance from the freeway, my husband and I would get ALL EXCITED because we might actually be able to afford it.

[Uma Andersson]

ha ha ha. that last post made me laugh so much I almost peed myself.

[Melanie]

I think you just described the town I live in (South Orange?). I moved from Brooklyn in a compromise with my fiance and had crazy withdrawal from the city. I love it now, but it has a lot to do with the people and the fiance.

But it's great to hear from someone who makes decisions like I do.

[Emma Goldman]

Here's the other thing I just realized this weekend: if we ever get around to buying a house, we're going to have MUCH MORE SPACE TO CLEAN. Seeing as how cleaning our modest 2 br apartment sometimes seems to require the strength of Hercules, I shudder to think about what we'd do with more space plus a basement and a yard and a garage and so on. I also realized (though I didn't mention this to him) that it meant he'd have more space in which to pile shit up, and, really, he's only just beginning to get rid of shit, so giving him more space would completely reverse that process.

[denise]

LOVE reading your posts. We have had to move cross country twice in the last decade. Moving from SoCal to remote western MD was a mind blower. We could buy a MANSION for less than we were paying for our single- wide (haha. a joke.. but relatively true...). The Move from western MD to SAN DIEGO was not so pretty. Said mansion to the small fixer-upper.I love San D, when I am not crying about the prices, the absurd preponderance of Hummers and Escalades, etc., the KIDS driving said Hummers,etc. to school daily, the weird kids with the fake boobs and nose jobs (in middle school). Oh MY. But the weather is nice. Always find something nice about where you are, to keep things in perspective.

[Bonnie]

We win.

[Betsy]

I think you are making the right decision, even if it's actually the economics that are making the decision for you. Pests and crazy ATM-goers aside, Brooklyn is "home," and it makes you happy. Just the fact that you were having to work so hard to convince yourself that you could be happy in suburban hell is answer enough for anyone. You are where you should and want to be. Hooray!

[Jill Smith]

Eeeeyeek. Something somebody posted above made me think of a decision-making tactic my mother told me about - but I must post about that on my own site tomorrow for fear of being a bandwidth-hog.

At any rate, by any standards, it sounds as if you made the right decision for you, Pretty Rambo, and the Dark Lord of the Sith. All is well.

[Very Mom]

A moment of silence for all of the lost Finslippy Does Suburbia material. It would have been great. Classic.

[Amy]

But hey, now that you're going to stay in Brooklyn - maybe you could help Kirk with his pigs? This way you get to hang with the Brooklyn ghosts *and* werewolves!

http://whatishappeningtome.blogspot.com/

[rose]

Speaking as a non Dangling Christian, we'll miss you out here in the 'burbs; there's an infinite supply of strange people and situations to take advantage of for purely comedic/blogging purposes! But then again, I guess Brooklyn has plenty of that, too.

[late edition]

you just made me spew ginger beer over my keyboard, i was laughing so hard ... thanks for that :> ... and you've made the right decision ... when in doubt, chicken out, no question

[landismom]

In a shameless swell of self-promotion, here's a link to my own perspective on the city/suburbs split: http://bumblebeesweetpotato.blogspot.com/2005/04/princess-neck-snap.html

[beth]

Oops! I should have read this post first. Anyway, I think my comment supports your feelings (or I hope it does). Good luck.

Oh and hey, my brother-in-law owns an "Everything" store in Brooklyn. If you stay, maybe I could swing you a discount.

[Sisco]

My husband has spent the past 8 years getting up at 3:30 a.m. and commuting 2 1/2 hours to Manhattan from a town that shall remain nameless in Connecticut. We used to live in Manhattan - and I spent 5 happy years in Brooklyn before that. There is no food delivery here and the restaurants we can afford stink. It took me five years to find women who talk about something other than cleaning (they do exist but it's hard to ferret them out). I never wear interesting shoes anymore. We have mice instead of roaches. But our kids have woods and a stream in the back yard and we don't have to rent cars anymore and our neighbors are nice and far away. Who am I kidding, I'd move back in a minute. (Soundless weeping).

[Derek]

The problem with looking at houses is that it's an addiction. Real estate is crack cocaine: You want to stop looking, you really do... but you CAN'T.

[sster]

Unfortunately the city/suburb decision is not actually ours to make. This is what capitalism does. It forces us to make decisions based on "what can I afford?" rather than "what kind of community do I want to create/take part in?" And it makes us very sad. Which is not to say that we can't create vibrant communities in the suburbs. But they are just.not.the same. People NEED to live near enough to bums and rats to remember their humanity and everyone else's. If not? you get Newtown, CT (shudder).