It’s possible this is just a stage and he’ll grow out of it, but there are no guarantees in life, after all.

Scene: our dining room. Thanksgiving. The year 2034. Alice and Scott are sitting at the table. Alice is attending to a Siamese cat whom she is dressing in a teensy tiny sailor suit.

Scott: So I said to him, what are you saying, just lumbago? I’ll have you know this hurts like a mofo, and what’s more…what’s more, I’m…oh, crap, what was I talking about?

Alice: All set, Chairman Meow! All ready for the high seas!

The cat leaps off of her and heads straight for the open window. Alice laughs insanely. Scott continues shaking his head as if he didn’t hear a word she uttered—or didn’t want to hear.

The door opens. A balding man in his 30s bounds in wearing Gap overalls and a red turtleneck. On his forehead is half an Elmo sticker. It is Henry. Alice and Scott hobble toward him for kisses. He applies raspberries to their necks.

They sit back down to table, where we see that their Thanksgiving dinner consists of turkey cold cuts and half-thawed dinner rolls.

Henry: Sorry I’m late, but did you see that frontloader outside? It was so cool the it went VROOM WOOSH and the dump track went rrrrr rrrr rrrrr and the guys were all hey you, get out of the way!

Alice: Speaking of which, where did you park?

Henry: The articulated crash-rescue vehicle? I had to put it in a garage five blocks down.

Scott: Articulated CRV? I thought you were driving a giant excavator these days.

Henry: Well, I was, but the giant excavator just didn’t have the cool lights like the articulated CRV has that go FLASH FLASH FLASH, you know? Plus I rammed into an overpass the other day and took the whole thing down.

Alice [concerned]: You were okay?

Henry [shrugging]: Small boo-boo on my left shoulder. The doctor woman put in a few stitches, kissed it for me. No biggie.

Scott: How’s your job, son?

Henry [suddenly furious]: NO!

Alice: He doesn’t want to talk about it, dear. Henry, pass me—

Henry: NO! DON’T LOOK AT ME! [Covers his eyes with his hands]

Scott: Where’d Henry go?

Alice: Henry? Henry?

Henry [uncovering his eyes, smiling]: Hi Mom! Hi Dad!

They all laugh.

Alice: Here you go, dear.

She places one dinner roll and two turkey slices on his Chinet plate.

Henry stares at the turkey, murmurs “no, no” while his parents try not to pay attention, and finally tosses it to the ground. He picks at his dinner roll.

Alice: Seriously, we read the review of your last performance, “The Round and Round Until You Get Dizzy Fall Down Dance Revue” and it looks like it was a big—

She stares at Henry, who seems to be exerting effort in some way.

Henry: Yeah?

Alice: Honey? Are you, um, are you doing something?

Henry [red-faced]: No. Go away.

Awkward silence ensues.

Scott: So anyway, this lumbago—

Henry: Hey, want to hear something funny? When I said “No, go away”— before? When I said that? I totally crapped my pants.

There is a moment of silence, and then all three laugh uproariously for way longer than is appropriate, pausing every few minutes for Henry to add, “No, really, I did” and the laughter to start anew.

Comments

[Karen]

You are one sick twist.

I like that.

[elswhere]

I thought of you, and of the advice I so glibly and unsolicitedly proferred a few posts back, when my 4-year-old had the MOTHER OF ALL TANTRUMS yesterday afternoon at the park. She hardly ever has them like that any more (so this is not one of those "it gets worse" comments). I did say I wasn't changing my mind, and did succeed in not changing my mind, but it was hard, hard, hard. And I was a bit bruised at the end of it.

Now I have visions of Thanksgiving dinner in 2034 under the table, hiding from our screaming 34-year-old who is NOT eating one more piece of turkey and also thinks we are full of poop. Who knows.

[anne]

lord. thank you. because dinner time around here is like "elbows! hey! stop talking with your mouth open! i mean! you know what i mean! nobody wants to see that! hey!" and it is sometimes like there is nobody but me and judith martin who really cares anymore.

however, he no longer craps his pants at the table, so in a way there's progress. although that is maybe my favorite scene in "dirty rotten scoundrels", that would not be my favorite scene in my life.

anyway. in 30 years, i totally stood in line for 5 hours to get good tickets to the “The Round and Round Until You Get Dizzy Fall Down Dance Revue”.

[lizardek]

ROFLMAO! You are just TOO funny!!

[kelly]

Oh, Alice.

Why is there a cork on the fork?

[Em]

OMG, that cracked me up! I hate to see what my kids will be doing in 2034, most likely pointing to the refridgerator and screaming until I guess what they want.

Too funny!

[Julia S]

This was... this was...

absolutely perfect.

[wix]

hilarious!

[Terri]

Poor, poor Henry. When his girlfriends get a load of this in a few years...

[Rita]

I just made an ass out of myself in front of my whole office laughing at this. I say, good show.

[Paul]

Wait..... why is scott saying "mofo"?

[Mir]

I think I peed a little.

[honestyrain]

he'll grow out of it and move on to the next silly thing that is not so bad as long as you don't have to live with it twentyfour hours a day every day all day long for what feels like the very rest of your life. kids. they are a series of annoying phases rolled up in squishy kisses and warm little cheeks to snuggle. and thank god for those kisses, i tell ya, or they'd be looking for jobs to-day.

[alice]

Mir: Then my work here is done.

[jilbur]

You know how there's this song that says "I can't get no satisfaction"? Bullshit to that. I gotcher satisfaction right here. Thank you Alice. And in four years, could you do a follow-up wherein the (3)6-year old, trembling with rage and indignation, screams You hurrrt my feeeeeeeelings, you are not my mother any mooooooooooore!

[Jenny]

Perfect. Hilarious.

[sac]

Holy crap, that was funny.

[kat]

ack, i totally just peed my pants. that was awesome. :-)

[Sheryl]

I think I read this scene in a Harold Pinter play. Happy Thanksgiving, love.

[christine]

oh bless you goddess of mothers!

[Ninotchka]

OK that was kind of creepy but the last line KILLED me. roflol

[Michelle]

Hooo...heeee - Uncle, I say! Call off dem dogs, already! I am laughing fit to bust a gut. It's safe to say you have described our Thanksgiving 30 years hence, too. LOVED this!

[scott]

These are real people? I live in fear...

[Steve]

All I can say is, all y'all ladies is gonna have to do some pelvic floor exercises, knowwhuti'msayin'? If you're gonna keep reading this stuff, anyway.

Thank Gawd, I don't pee when I laugh. Toot a little, maybe.

Uh-oh.

[Carol]

Hilarious!!

[Wendy]

Alice, you rock!

[vgmom]

Well done.

Discribed our current dinner hour perfectly. In fact...do I know you? Eeek!

[krissy pants]

I found this scenario deeply disturbing but also quite plausible…

[elswhere]

Um...has Henry got you locked in the bathroom so he can watch TV?

[mvh]

I keep thinking of this and coming back to it, and I've forwarded it to some friends. Really well done. Very funny, and even though it's 'fiction' it feels so true. More! More!

[anthony]

Your blog is like Chocolate Bunnies on the Dashboard of my car.