finslippy: Why I’m not really an adult.

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Twice a week, Henry and I go to a pretend pre-school called “Terrific Twos!” Actually, I think it might be called “Terrific Two’s!” (Bad apostrophe. BAD.) When I signed him (and by extension, me) up for this, I had no idea what to expect. All I knew was what two women in the neighborhood told me--that it was a fun way to spend a couple of mornings. The class description in the brochure didn’t sound promising. Alongside other courses, such as cooking (“Watch your wee one learn to chop and dice—safely, of course!”) and art (“Explore different media with your toddler—and have fun, to boot!”), the “Terrific Twos!” description was decidedly frosty, with only a few lines on teaching the toddler to “negotiate transitions” and “manage group interactions” as well as “deal with separation issues.” No mention of arts and crafts, exercise, singing, or human warmth of any kind. I pictured a bare, windowless room, the children huddled in a corner, a woman wearing a severe bun and a unitard (Why a unitard, you ask? Why not?) barking orders. “Henry, hand this ragged doll to Emma. Emma, return the ragged doll to Henry. Good. Here is a nutrition pellet. Now I will leave. Then I will return. Do not cry. Or else.” But hey! Wouldn’t that be a good story for the blog! And we needed something to get us out of this vermin-infested dust trap, so I forked over the cash.

Turns out there are snacks and Play-Doh and hugs a-plenty, and the teacher wears her bun very loose and is warm and amiable, although way too young. Not too young for the kids—too young for me. Also too cute. Henry and five other kids play in a small room, while the mothers try not to hover too close even though there’s nowhere else to go; we also try to come up with something to say to each other, and usually fail. Then we all go downstairs to the gym, which is a couple of playschool slides on some gym mats in an auditorium, and Henry goes apeshit for ten minutes. Then we sit in a circle and sing idiot songs for idiots. Or, I guess, children’s songs for children, if you want to get technical about it. All I know is, we already take a music class, and that class has songs I can stand to hear, and a teacher who can sing, and really hot parents who make me feel less than hot, but at least they’re easy on the eyes. And, let me not be modest about it, I’m a singer. I can belt a tune, my friends. I got me the training. I could get operatic on their asses, if I chose to do so. So the whiny half-hearted off-key “Wheels on the Bus” each week—it hurts, is what I’m saying. But then comes “Where is Thumbkin?” and also the reason I’m not an adult. Because I seriously have never sung that song past the thumb, so when the teacher trilled, “Where is Pointer?” and started the next verse with her index finger, all I could think is “Oh my god she’s going to do the middle finger and her middle finger is going to be pointing at us OH MY GOD” and, indeed, she sang “Where is Tallman?”, with her middle finger right out there, and no one cracked a smile. Of course.

No one except me, I mean. I laughed. Out loud. And now every time we sing it, I start to laugh when my middle finger starts to make the trip from behind my back to the entire class. I can’t help it. Tallman! Ha!

Anyway, that was my point.

Comments

But could you get operatic on Tallman without giggling? I thought not.

(I, also, cannot sing that entire song or even listen to my son's rendition ("Where is Fumpkin?") without just a little mirth for Tallman. I feel your pain.

Posted by: Mir | October 24, 2004 at 10:35 PM

Oh ya, sure, we had' dose "Terrific too's!" Those' wer da good ones! Just wait till you hit the terrible Tree's and the unfortunat' Fours! And if your lucky, you'll hit the pedophiliac fives! Ohh.... and then' he'll be a man!

Posted by: Old Prospector | October 24, 2004 at 10:47 PM

Old Prospector, get to bed! It's a school night!

Posted by: alice | October 24, 2004 at 11:27 PM

This, THIS is why I'm sort of glad that I had my kids so close together - I totally screwed myself out of the proper 1:1 ratio for parent-child classes.

I can't make it through many, many children's songs without bursting out laughing about some innuendo or something.

Posted by: Jenny | October 24, 2004 at 11:46 PM

I'm surprised that you haven't started giving people the Tallman. I kind of like using that phrase, though I fear that that probably ends up sounding even dirtier than just giving them the bird.

Posted by: New Blue Shoe | October 25, 2004 at 12:18 AM

If I drove a car with any regularity, no one would wonder where Tallman is.

Posted by: LOD | October 25, 2004 at 12:26 AM

Heeee.
Thumbkin is rife with these hazards. My younger sister pronounced Thumbkin "Fuh'kin" when she was a toddler ...

Posted by: jilbur | October 25, 2004 at 03:13 AM

Oh this is great. I don't remember using 'Tall Man' either.

But now I will. Another trick to add to my flipping off repetoire. There's the 'reeling in a fish' but OH! It's not a fish! I'm flipping you off! Then there's the, 'Should I turn it up?" and I turn it up but there's no sound....just me! Flipping you off!

Now there's where is tallman? Here I am!

Thank you Alice!

Posted by: melissaS | October 25, 2004 at 09:33 AM

When my son sings the 'Bob the Builder' song, instead of singing "can he fix it?" he sings "#hit, #hit, #hit."

(# = s, and he's 2 yrs old by the way)

Also, we're going to see the Wiggles perform live, and I'm struggling with whether I should be the serious parent, or just give in and look like a grown man with ADHD, on crack, singing and dancing.

Posted by: turbulent priest | October 25, 2004 at 10:16 AM

I definitely hear you on this one!!! I'm always the one laughing all the way through "Tall Man", and also when the teacher sings this other old rhyme involving a....well, I can't say it. It's way too embarrassing, but apparently not embarrassing enough that I still crack up just writing this!

Posted by: Mary | October 25, 2004 at 10:35 AM

I have this awful feeling that my newborn daughter is going to be terribly out of place when she starts socializing with the other kids. While they're all singing fun, cute baby songs, she's only going to know the collective works of Morrissey, the Cure, Radiohead and U2.

My poor little Peanut...

Posted by: MetroDad | October 25, 2004 at 11:12 AM

LOL!!!

Oh that's too funny. Boy, really any excuse to flip the bird. If there's one thing that parenting doesn't have enough of, it's the bird. And sleep. And personal space. But also the bird.

My daughter is six months old, and I'm trying to figure out when I have to stop playing all that dirty stuff I don't play with my mom in the car- Eminem, Tori Amos, Limp Bizkit. Do I have to switch over to Michael Bolton and Rosemary Clooney yet? Or the Christian Rock station?

God help us all,

Liz

Posted by: Liz | October 25, 2004 at 01:58 PM

You never have to switch over to Michael Bolton.
Ever.

Posted by: turbulent priest | October 25, 2004 at 02:12 PM

Here is a nutrition pellet. Haaahahaahaaa. I was starting to BECOME that severe woman in the unitard, thanks for the laugh.

Posted by: Sheryl | October 25, 2004 at 04:25 PM

I laughed out loud over the "nutrition pellet", The whole visual was hilarious!

Posted by: Very Mom | October 25, 2004 at 06:38 PM

I was arguing with my brother over the fact we don't want the baby to become attached to cute little animals/marketing icons. Oh, and we don't have TV so she won't be watching that. He thinks we are going to make her nerdy. And I was thinking I was doing it FOR HER. But then I remembered that I deliberately lost a CD of children's music someone gave us (Baby Beluga if you must know). And then I realized all this cultural purity is for me, probs, not for her. 'Cause I'm eeeevvviiillll...God, I hate children's music SO MUCH. Except for certain pre-'60s Disney Soundtracks. Those songs! The way they get stuck in your head! God, now I'm glad we're too poor for Mommy and Me classes and those other things.

I like the first class you described much better. In fact, it reminds me of the daycare I went to as a child. Character-building, you know. Every kids needs psychodrama and nutrition pellets.

Posted by: Miel | October 25, 2004 at 08:58 PM

Um. It's funny how the blog world and the real world coincide. Okay, all I'm saying is that Henry couldn't possibly be in my Terrific Twos class in the beginning of the week because well, I can sing. On key. At least I like to think I can. And I don't wear my hair in a bun. But Tallman, he's all mine.

Posted by: Brooklyn Mama | October 25, 2004 at 10:19 PM

Very funny! The Tallman comments reminded me of a friend who, when describing her attempts to teach "Where is Thumbkin?" to her son, totally drew a blank on Tallman. The best she could come up with was "Where is Birdman?" She knew she just wasn't going to be able to give her kiddo's preschool teacher an adequate explanation for this.

Posted by: Lex | October 26, 2004 at 03:26 AM

This conversation reminds me of a friend's blog entry complaining about children music. It stuck in my mind because she mentioned a song called "John Brown's Baby" which I can only assume is a kiddified version of "John Brown's Body (Lies A-Moulderin' in the Grave)". Hee! I say, just teach the kids the original song! Sing them a nice little ditty and teach 'em some Kansas history at the same time. Bring back the gruesome old fairy tales and plague-inspired nursery rhymes. The kids'll love it!

Posted by: Jane | October 26, 2004 at 03:38 PM

OMG that was hilarious. I've never heard of "Tallman" either but I will definitely borrow that one. A ha ha ha ha

Posted by: Ninotchka | October 27, 2004 at 09:17 PM

Oh. My. God.

I'm still rolling over the mental image of the teacher in the unitard with the nutrition pellets. Holy shit. Adding you to my blogroll for that one.

Posted by: Kim Voynar | October 28, 2004 at 10:56 AM

Why, dear god, why is it always “Wheels on the Bus”? That song is the damn "Margaritaville" of the infant world.

Posted by: Alex | October 28, 2004 at 07:34 PM

Okay, perhaps I'm getting a little too defensive here, but . . . The reason we sing songs like "Wheels on the Bus" is that the kids enjoy them. I mean, come on. I'm a mom and a preschool teacher and an educated and reasonably clued-in person, and I can fully appreciate the un-hipness of these traditional song choices. But they're not for the parents, or for us (god knows). We sing the old standards, the ones we grew up with, because most of the children know and like them. Jeez.

I just really hate to think that this is what the parents are thinking of us and our classes.

Posted by: Brooklyn Mama | October 28, 2004 at 08:17 PM

I am totally with you on that one, Brooklyn Mama. The kids, they love this shit. It's true! The wheels on the bus DO go 'round and 'round! What do you know!

(Oh, and we're in the Thurs/Fri classes, so I guess you won't catch me snorting like an adolescent during songtime...)

Posted by: alice | October 28, 2004 at 10:24 PM

Hey what's Henry going to be for Halloween? Don't forget to post pictures.

Posted by: G. McFuzz | October 29, 2004 at 03:01 PM

Hi, just found your blog, loved that post, v.funny.

Posted by: aussiemama | November 04, 2004 at 09:45 PM

OMG just today I asked another adult if there was a second verse to Thumbkin, I swear it was today. She didn't know. I need more verses, my kid loves that damned song, loves it so much that I have actually drawn faces on my thumbs to make it more interesting for me. But I would never get past Tall Man without losing it. In fact I am fairly certain that in my kid's country of birth she was taught to point with Tall Man (hmmm I wonder why Tall Man is a Man) and I have just barely gotten her over that cultural snafoo. What is Ring Finger called? Ring Finger doesn't make two syllables. I miss my brain.

Posted by: Sue | November 11, 2004 at 03:36 PM

Just discovered finslippy & am avidly reading the archives while waiting for a new post. Here's a nugget for anyone else in my position (or if Alice brings in new blood by linking back to this post one day):

The video "Barney in Concert" (1991 Lyons Group according to the lable) includes a real, live grownup on stage singing the song start to finish, all five fingers.

(BTW Sue, it's Ringman)

This is so my favorite blog ever.

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