An entire post written solely to use the word "monkeyshines."

The grandparents are determined to turn Henry into Little Lord Sissypants. Not that I have a problem with sissy-fying Henry’s pants—indeed, I had planned on it, but I was hoping to institute a low-key sissy-fying initiative. Like, I would suggest cooking classes instead of after-school sports. And then, instead of football, Henry would prefer baking cookies with his mom. Or, better: for his mom. Or better: veal piccata. Or, no, veal is evil. Something piccata. For his mother. And father. And several guests.

But instead of teaching Henry how to make a wine reduction, they’re ensuring that even his play outfits are smart enough for the country club; they're getting him accustomed to insisting on only the finest of juice drinks. In the local Met Food a few days back, a few rugged-looking youths behind us in line were buying Kool-aid drink mix, and Henry turned to them, pointed one soft finger at the canister with Scary Pitcher Guy on it, and observed, “Oooh— Pom.” Which in case you don’t know is insanely expensive pomegranate juice. My mother is singlehandedly supporting the “Pom Wonderful” company by filling my child’s delicate insides with it. Luckily the kids didn’t understand him, as no one but me can decode his charming jibber-jabber, so we got away that time without getting our asses kicked.

Thanks to the grandparents, every outfit Henry wears has a Polo insignia on it (and yes, I realize I could buy outfits for him myself, but you see, I am both cheap and lazy. Oh--and poor). My mother defends her choices by claiming she bought them at the Ralph Lauren outlet, but I can’t very well stick a “Bought this at a steep discount” sticker on his back; I tried that and it fell off after a few minutes. And then we go to the playground and every other kid is wearing—horrors!—Gap wear (or worse! Sometimes there’s no discernible brand at all!). I’m waiting for the day, and it will come, when Henry runs up to me in his polo shirt and pleated shorts and patent-leather taps and frilly ankle socks and weeps, “Mother, those children knocked me on my bottom with their rambunctious monkeyshines!”

Just last week I made Henry some toast—the old Henry used to love my toast!—and he looked down at it in disgust and I said, “Look, Henry—toast!” and he asked, “French toast?” Only he pronounced it “Fr-aah-nch.” The poor boy. He never had a chance.

Comments

[reenie]

My husband and I LOVE to shop at outlet malls. Especially for Christmas gifts for people. I like to pretend they were expensive (you know, so we'll get nice gifts in return) and dear dear husband ALWAYS says, "I got that for SIX dollars!" He makes me laugh.

[Rita]

I thought there was something wrong with me - I bought a Tommy Hilfiger dress on steep discount for my daughter's little clotheshorse friend, but I would never slap one on her. Do I want her to need Juicy Couture when she is eight? NO. Do I want her to carry a Coach wallet when I am schlepping T.J. Maxx? NO. Mommy needs better clothes than baby, and I can't even afford to stop buying my shoes at Target. I saw a Dr. Phil on this once. Just say no to designer clothes.

[carla]

If you really want to be helpless in the face of other people buying designer clothes for kids, try being a part-time stepparent. The Kid's maternal parents apparently believe that logo-less clothing violates some fundamental law of nature. I also love when they put goop in his hair so it sticks up; it looks like someone sneezed on his head (and he hates it, too).

[sac]

Holy crap, you cracked me up big time today, Ms. Slippy. Of course, I'm a sucker for the phrase "frilly ankle socks."

[carrie]

Great post!

[Melissa S]

Oh the poor dear.

I have an aquaintance who gives me all her hand me down Polo items and even...polo SOCKS! And Tommy Hilfiger SOCKS! Who buys SOCKS with a name brand? I'm embarassed to put them on him, but then like you, I am both cheap and poor so I do put them on him.

And I know people are talking about his socks behind his back. 'Oh look at his designer socks!' But then at least Henry's have frilly little lacy things.

[Nikilovely]

I guess I've found a way around the whole avoid-designer-dependency thing. I let the spawn know exactly what things are worth. I shop in outlet stores, resale shops, TJMaxx and Ross. She dresses in whatever she thinks is cute, but even if it is designer, we never pay full price. We rarely even venture into the big name shops, and when we do, she's like "Ooh, look at that dress, mommy! Do you think you can find one on Overstock?" or "How soon do you think it'll be on clearance?" Yes, I must say, my stylish but frugal offspring has found the best of both worlds.

[Mary]

We sort of have the opposite problem. We buy Gap or Old Navy, and the occasional steeply on sale Tommy Hilfiger, but my mother in law insists on sending her those wife-beater shirts, and tacky shirts with their hometown on them with big bold bright letters. And pigs. On the shirts, that is.

[Karen]

Hysterical -- especially since just yesterday, I posted on my site that my normally-pomagranate-juice-chugging parents have turned into complete louts as a result of the arrival of my daughter, their new grandchild. They keep this nonsense up, my kid's gonna be the one giving your kid monkeyshines.

Please accept my profuse apologies in advance. I promise it won't happen again.

[Karen]

Weird -- my post, above, automatically input the wrong (albeit a very funny) url! This one's the right site -- stop by sometime!

[domin8trix]

today my 4 yr old was wearing his favourite pants (with the knees torn out), a beat up cornershop t-shirt and hilfiger socks that my MIL bought him. i thought the socks classed him right up.

[Mia]

I have the opposite problem with my mother...she insists on trying to turn my nine year old daughter into a Britney Spears clone. Needless to say, I return alot of stuff back to Tramps-R-Us.

[traci]

It could be worse- we walked in the house one day to find both offspring slackjawed in front of Jerry Springer. Grandmother insisted that it just came on and they were all watching something educational just moments ago, but I just don't beleive her. So...Ivy League or trailer trash, which way to go? I suppose if the GPs are footing the bill, go with the Polo!

[Summer]

This summer, my son is wearing a lot of his best friend's clothes, since his best friend is three months older and about a year bigger than my average sized boy. Best friend also has a grandmother who buys designer baby clothes, so Dorian has been happily soaking Ralph Lauren shorts in piss. If the outfit he's wearing is too obviously designer I feel compelled to tell anyone who will listen that it's a hand-me-down.

I've met the grandmother who bought all the Polo gear, and her excuse is "oh, it's because I'm lazy! I go to Nordstrom's and they just have everything there in one place!" I haven't yet worked up the nerve to tell her that you can also get everything in one place at Value City.

The very good news is that Best Friend has another, wackier grandmother who purchases items like the "Silly Monkey" t-shirt that I love so much. I would wear the Silly Monkey shirt if it was just a little bit bigger.

[The Sarcastic Journalist]

Sadly, to me, GAP Wear is the expensive stuff. Ralph Lauren is practically Haute Coture over here.

May my child never realize there is more to life than Sugar Free Cherry Kool Aid.

[Liisa]

Most of the clothes we've put on our kid so far are second hand. He is 18 months old. As long as he doesn't mind wearing what ever I put on him he won't be using season's latest outfits. That might last for another few weeks.

[Old Prospector]

What is this Ralph Lauren you talk bout' in your ar-tick'le. Back in my day we didnt have no Ralph lauren or cloathes in that matter! We wore leaves around our privates and we liked it! It would be so cold that we wouldn't feel nothing! We'd be walking around in maple leaf diapers with our privates freezing off! And we liked it! And we didnt have no pom-mo-grain-ate juice. We had goats' blood, and we drank it everyday! It made us strong!

[no name yet]

Hopefully the grandparents are also paying for some karate lessons so that young Henry will be able to protect his frilly-polo-sock-wearing butt when he gets a little older. :)

[Anne-Whitney]

I have the same issues! My designer-mad mom spends all of her free time trolling sales and outlet malls where she picks up stuff for my kids. Once when my oldest was a baby she sent him a sweater that could only be described as Little Lord Fauntleroy. Since then she's been much more carful, but this summer my twins have spent much of their time in some sort of French sailor-boy wannabe togs. And my oldest son is now in the habit of putting on his RL nav blazer with the gold buttons to go to the grocery store.

[Sarah]

You know, I'm with the Sarcastic Journalist. I'm glad to get some cute Gap or Gymboree clothes at the second-hand store for my kid. I'm lucky though, my mom buys us a lot of Osh Gosh clothes at Kohls. I can live with that. But help me out here--if Gap and such are the run-of-the-mill stuff people are buying for their kids NEW, what on earth is supposed to be a treat, aside from the Ralph Lauren? I grew up on Target clothes, so I wouldn't know.

[SJ]

If it weren't for aunts, my kids would be naked every day of their lives.

I'm just catching up with your archives and I'm still laughing about Grandma the booze hound. Thanks for that.

[Jake]

To thoroughly sissy-fy the lad, you must commence calling him Merriwether. Or Percy. Or Leslie.

Then train him to use words like "pram" and "wherefore" and to sob uncontrollably in the presence of children wearing last season's couture.

That should do the trick.

[the mighty jimbo]

better introduce him to waffle house and reo speedwagon real soon. you know, balance things out a bit.

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