finslippy: Shirts on, America!

July 22, 2004

Shirts on, America!

By the imaginary power vested in me by the United States of America, I hereby declare Saturday, July 24th, to be National Put Your Shirt On Day.

This day is directed at men everywhere. Ladies, you can remove your shirts with abandon, although—do I have to say it?—even in states where it’s legal for women to sun our boobs in the park, we tend not to.

Or maybe you do. In which case, huzzah! Send pictures!

Where was I? Ah, yes.

WHEREAS men everywhere--the six-packed and the ones with the bellies hanging to their knees; the ones sunning their pelts of back hair and the others who clearly wax their entire upper body; the bony-shouldered and the fat-necked; the overly tanned and the pasty-white—apparently have no problem exposing their upper bodies to the general public;

WHEREAS they seem to think they look damn sexy, strutting their naked chests about, tucking their damp, sweaty t-shirts into a back pocket;

WHEREAS, and I don’t care how good a body you have, such a sight is desperately unsexy;

WHEREAS they have no ability to discern where it is appropriate to be topless (the beach, the privacy of your own home) and where it’s so, so wrong (the subway, the drugstore, in front of me);

WHEREAS I never, ever again want to accidentally brush up against the sweaty contours of some stranger’s back-fat because he doesn’t have the decency to keep a healthy distance away from other people (much less put his shirt on);

We, the disgusted, shall use July 24th to spread the word: PUT YOUR SHIRT ON.

To celebrate Put Your Shirt On day, any time we see a topless man parading his chest-hairs down the avenue, we shall point to him and shout, “PUT YOUR SHIRT ON!” He might take offense, true—but on the other hand, you might engage him in a fruitful dialogue about the unattractiveness of the unshirted. Maybe he’ll learn a little something. Maybe he’ll grow. Maybe he’ll PUT HIS DAMN SHIRT ON.

This Saturday, across this mighty land, there will be heard triumphant cries of Put Your Shirt On. And the Shirts shall be Put On. And it will be good.

Who’s with me?

Jul 22, 2004 1:19:38 PM

26 Comments

Oh, I am so there. Can you make next Saturday "Pull your pants up" day for all the women who wear the low-rider jeans with their thongs sticking out of the top? Pretty please?

Posted by: Martha | July 22, 2004 at 01:35 PM

Can the Saturday after that be "Just Say NO! to Camel Toe" ?

Posted by: WindyLou | July 22, 2004 at 03:27 PM

I am so excited to finally have a major holiday associated with my birthday - hurrah National Put Your Shirt On Day!

I am going to go cut down a tree and put a shirt on it and we can all sit around it Saturday morning, uh, putting our shirts on.

:: christy ::

Posted by: christy | July 22, 2004 at 03:53 PM

Amen, sister! After the abovementioned worthy causes, perhaps we can unite against hungry-bum?

Posted by: Sarah C | July 22, 2004 at 04:12 PM

As an alternative to "PUT YOUR SHIRT ON!", I'd like to suggest the following:
"DON'T SHOW US YOUR TITS!"

To be followed by wildly successful series of videos in the "Men Gone Tame" genre ...

On a related topic: having virtually passed out while on line waiting to order my lunch because certain individuals of the XY persuasion don't take this whole idea of 'bathing' too seriously, can we also line up a holiday named "It's Summer, It's Hot, B.O. Stinks, Get A Clue"?

Posted by: jilbur | July 22, 2004 at 04:17 PM

I nominate No Sausage Rolls Day. Girls, if you've got the belly, leave the low-riders at home. Before I get replies saying I am being cruel, let me clarify: I have a belly and I know better than to wear those things 'cause my mama taught me right. It's LOW rider, people not WHALE rider.

Posted by: kelli | July 22, 2004 at 06:12 PM

Oh, but is there a lower age limit? Because I consider my sons' shirtless days to be a gift to everyone around them. (And YES, I do suffer from Rectus Solaris, wherein I mistakenly believe the sun shines out of their...ANYHOW!) But they're so beautiful, all velvety brown from the summer at the pool. Especially my youngest, who's just three. When he eats a popsicle with his shirt off (PLEASE), and the drips make multi-colored tracks down his rubbery round belly. He walks around, absent-mindedly feeling the sticky lines, and musing on the deep questions in life. Like, DOES the world need love, sweet love? And are there any more popsicles?
So. Can PUT ON YOUR SHIRT DAY exclude boys under the age of 10? Please?

Posted by: Kira | July 22, 2004 at 06:27 PM

Yes! I declare PYSO Day to only apply to men ages 18 and over!

I, too, believe that my son's shirtless belly is a blessing he chooses to bestow upon the general public.

Posted by: Alice | July 22, 2004 at 07:25 PM

I'll be at a renaissance fair Saturday so I'll spread the word Elizabethan-style. "Put thy shirt on, sirrah!"

Posted by: Gen | July 22, 2004 at 10:33 PM

Whew, as long as sons are exempt. I shan't be seeing much daylight tomorrow, but I am happy to scream at anyone who walks by the house sans shirt.

Posted by: AGK | July 23, 2004 at 07:40 AM

Amen!

Amen, amen, amen!

Posted by: Em | July 23, 2004 at 11:03 AM

Power, Sister Alice. You have truly seen the light and shall educate the masses!

Posted by: Mir | July 23, 2004 at 11:24 AM

It never ceases to amaze me how many people have no clue what it means to be modest when it comes to dressing themselves.

Buff men who think they look sexy without shirts are stupid.

Non-buff men who are brave enough to go shirtless are to be praised, but dressed promptly as well.

Overweight girls of youth (such as myself) need NOT wear clothes they break a sweat getting into, and need NOT wear bikinis, and need NOT go shirtless... ever. Wear clothes that fit you comfortably, that you like the looks of, that your mother likes you in, and that you don't have to adjust periodically during the day.

Underweight girls of youth need NOT wear clothes where others can see how much of an anorexic, bulemic, or "petit" person they really are. They need to wear clothes that fit them and cover them. They have a broad range of choices. Start wherever the budget lets you. If you can see arms and some upper chest, that's fine. But if we can see midriffs and lower backs, that's bad. BAD.

*sigh* I wish I were the fashion trend-setter. And I wish it was winter ALL THE TIME.

Posted by: Jayne | July 23, 2004 at 11:39 AM

I'm in, though I wish there were a clever slug I could post on my blog about it...

Posted by: frog | July 23, 2004 at 11:46 AM

Re: Boys. As much as you love their bellies, I think you'll need to start them earlier on shirt wearing. Like all good manners, you have to educate them young. If you wait until they can make up thier own mind - well, before you know it they'll be fat, rude, sweaty men with their shirts off in the food court.

Posted by: Ron | July 23, 2004 at 04:56 PM

In the town of Palm Beach it is illegal for men to jog "sans shirt" which is a wonderful respite from the rest of the state where men roam freely without shirts regardless of their big, hairy beer-guts - YUCK!

Posted by: AnneWhitney | July 23, 2004 at 07:11 PM

I think it's working. I haven't seen any shirtless men, women or even children today!

Finslippy Speaks, People Listen!

Posted by: Melissa S | July 24, 2004 at 05:07 PM

If God had intended for us to be topless, he would not have tried to cover us with hair!

Posted by: Genuine | July 25, 2004 at 05:24 PM

I am SO with you on this one. Note To Male Runners At The Rose Bowl: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD please put your shirts on! Yes, you, Sweaty-Gorilla Man. You too, Mr. I'm-A-Hundred-Years-Old-And-I-Can-Count-The-Rings-To-Prove-It. And you, Young-Stud-Boy-Who-Already-Has-A-Beer-Gut. It's 100 degrees out here. Please don't traumatize my baby son with your ickiness. Think of the children!

Posted by: Anna | July 25, 2004 at 06:45 PM

I was at the beach the other day, and apparently rather few women now anguish over whether or not they'll fit into that bikini.

I other words, shirts could be had, all 'round.

Posted by: ben | July 26, 2004 at 03:56 PM

Is shirtlessness a New York thing?

I live in downtown Chicago and have yet to see one naked chest this summer except by the lake. However, the last time I hit Oak Street Beach, I spotted four adult males parading around in wet jockey-shorts worn in lieu of bathing suits.

Also, we have more than our fair share of pre-pubescent, Lolita-esque fleshpots, so perhaps that's how we compensate.

I guess every city has its cross to bear?

Posted by: jen | July 27, 2004 at 12:15 PM

FINALLY..someone said what I have been thinking for years!! Thank you!

Posted by: Tiffanni | July 28, 2004 at 05:45 PM

sweaty back fat?

wow.

i'm suddenly so turned on.

Posted by: the mighty jimbo | August 02, 2004 at 04:23 PM

Speaking as a male who came upon this page through doing a search on laws and shirtlessness (and being a shirtless advocate), I think that you need to go take your narrowminded self and shelter back under that rock you obviously come from.

If it's hot, then it makes sense (being careful of the sun) to wear what is comfortable for you in the heat. Don't let others dictate what to wear, it's a personal decision.

Posted by: anonymous | July 01, 2005 at 04:03 PM

Posted by: Mauris | November 16, 2005 at 03:34 PM

Okay, I'm going to say this here because I can't post it on my own blog because my MIL will read it. My husband's buff-marine-gymnast brother has a habit of parading around MIL's house topless and I HATE IT. It makes me want to rip my shirt off or tell him to put his shirt on or SOMETHING.

When I had yeast infections while nursing and the nipples weren't supposed to be damp and I was leaking everywhere I was allowed to go topless upstairs at MIL's house, at which point everyone was very careful and embarassed lest they see my topless self. But HE can parade about with IMPUNITY and no one cares! The injustice!!

Posted by: Lauxa | January 06, 2006 at 05:34 PM

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finslippy

wading in the shallow end since 2004

July 22, 2004

Shirts on, America!

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