And she didst have the sickness, and the sickness didst prevent her from tending to her blog.

And God did declareth thus: unto thee there shall be given great pains; yea, thou shalt have the soreness of throat, as well as achiness of limbs, and thou shalt whine and call all of thine friends and family to update them on thine escalating fevers, but no one shalt care very much, as fevers are not all that interesting.

This is what happens when you complain about your poor child’s sickness—you get smitten by the Lord. I’m not all that religious, but I know a good smiting when I see it.

Today—healthy at last!—we bounded, skipping and singing and tossing Cheerios to the wind, all the way to our music class, our artsy funky look-how-New-Yorky music class that’s held in the far hipper neighborhood of Fort Greene. This was the first time I didn’t go with my friend S., as we managed to infect both S. and her daughter with our plague. So I was thinking, hey, maybe for once I’d socialize with some of the strangers in our little song-circle; maybe I’d make a new friend in some hipster-mama Fort Greener. (I think the fact that I just referred to someone from Fort Greene as a “Fort Greener” makes me so unhip that I will never be invited to any of their sex parties.) (They have sex parties, right? The hipsters? Someone’s gotta be having them.) (Not that I would go to one, even if I was invited. Hi, Dad!) But by the time I got there I was sweaty and shaky, suffering some residual badness from the death-virus that only recently finished ravaging my innards, and Henry was caterwauling because the precious Cheerios had disappeared (see above, re: Cheerios, tossing of). And all the mothers were already in their circle, all talking with each other and laughing and gesturing with their clean-shirted arms, and I realized that they all probably were disgusted by my presence, and anyway, I was not in any kind of shape to socialize. So Henry and I sat down and kept to ourselves until it was time for us to sing songs about hailing cabs and hugging homeless people. The one father who goes to the class made a late entrance and sat next to me, and although his cute, large-headed child was engaging with my equally cute and somewhat equally large-headed child, I could not for the life of me catch his eye to say something that I wanted to say, which was, “Your kid’s head is bigger than my kid’s head! What do you know!” Which would not have been a good or clever thing to say, but I really wanted to say it, because his head! Was so! Big! But this father was too handsome to talk with me, so instead he chatted with a gorgeous woman to his right. Here’s what I’m pretty sure they were saying:

Handsome father: You know, I find it a burden to be so handsome, when I am also so hip.
Gorgeous mother: I know exactly what you mean. As you may have noticed, I’m breathtaking.
HF: Indeed.
GM: It’s good, though. I do like being pretty.
[They laugh and nod.]
GM: [whispering] That woman sitting next to you? With the sweaty pits and nervous laugh? She’s not that gorgeous.
HF: [shakes head sadly.] I’m afraid not.
GM: You know what we should do? Judge her.
HF: Hey, I was already judging her, when you said that! I was judging her, right then!
GM: You don’t say! Would you like to come to my sex party?

Comments

[debl]

Hey, they may be prettier, and hipper, but their hip heroin addictions have given them an encephalitic child. So there's that.

[ensie]

Yay! So glad you have returned from the Land of Sick. Hope you and your family are feeling better.
If it makes you feel any better, even when I lived in the urban hipster area of So. Cal (different, yet same) I didn't get invited to anyone's sex parties either.
Dammit.

[jilbur]

Alice, please--please!--come to my sex party. I promised Jeff Goldblum I'd have find him someone new ... and I heart you so! But not in a deeply disturbing way.

[Melissa]

I live in Michigan, no where is 'hip'. However, the town next to us thinks it's very cosmopolitan and the people are very well to do and very, very snobby. I know, I grew up there. (No sex parties as far as I know.)

Anyway, I remember I went to a Gymboree class and one of the mothers asked me where we were from. When I told her we were from the city just next door, she smiled politely and said, "Oh, and how is that working out for you?"

How I wanted to say, "Well, the crack whores are definitely a problem. And I can't tell you how hard it is to find a two million dollar home on a half acre lot. But otherwise it's great. I mean, well, nothing like what you all have going on here."

She was also very attractive and showed no signs at all of giving birth less than 3 months earlier and I am now convinced she was only in Gymboree classes to find more Sex Party participants.

[dr. dave]

It may help to know that there are people less hip, less attractive, less sociable, and less sexpartying than you who feel that YOU could be saying things like that about THEM.

(*waves hands*)

[getupgrrl]

I love this blog.

[sac]

HAHA!! That was fucking hilarious. Although I can't believe you don't go to all the sex parties us young parents are constantly throwing, even here in Sacramento. Oh shit! I have to go. Sex party in 5 minutes.

[mnuez]

Hah!

I just showed up in your godforsaken corner of the blogosphere via the goopd offices of Zackary Sholem Berger (IIRC), and boy am I glad I did!

You Are Funny!

Not attractive however?? Too bad, could you post some nude photos just so that I can ascertain that for myself?

mn

[maurinsky]

I have seen several episodes of HBO's "Real Sex", and it seems clear to me that it's not the hip, attractive people who are having the sex parties.

[Doug]

Or perhaps the hip hotties are savvy enough not to have their sex parties filmed.

[Kristina]

Or, just maybe, they were intimidated by your raging hotness.

[Sarah]

Ok (wipes tear from eye), ok, that was funny. (gasp) I think I can get back in my chair again.

Now, I just had a baby a few months a go, so someone's going to have to remind me. . . what is "sex" again?

That's a RHETORICAL question, for the record!

[Handsome Father]

Now, Alice...you know we wanted to invite you but you started babbling about the illness and what your father would think.

It's too bad really because it was an excellent event....maybe next time?

[Julia S]

My nephew looks like a candy-apple and do you know what we call him? (I mean, behind his giganto-melon - not to his face?) Baby Bighead, that's what we call him.

Now, my little lump of love has an abnormally small head. At first we thought this was a problem, but then we realized that if you invert him he can spin like a dreidl. Which means he can breakdance and he isn't even two yet - how proud are we?

I cannot believe you New Yorkers are still interested in sex parties. How outré. We went through that phase out here in the far eastern suburbs of Minneapolis-St. Paul, but then there was a miscommunication... anyway, philately is all the rage now.

You'll see.

[LittleMiss]

Stop it! You're making me chole on my coffee!

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

LittleMiss

[Brooklyn Mama]

Ah, I so appreciate good Brooklyn gorgeous hipster bashing! Bring it on!

[Martha]

Before we moved to Arizona two years ago, we lived in hipster central Boerum Hill. Although we got to go to all sorts of cool bars and hip restaurants, we too never reached the inner sanctum of hipness, as our social calendar never included even ONE sex party! Although I did drink a lot of $12 cocktails. Does that make up for it?

[Rita]

Was referred to your blog by my friend Average Jane after minor insanity caused by six-week-old daughter. Wireless DSL has been my only salvation, since in person I often wonder if I am actually talking or just listening to my own inner monologue. Seriously, your blog saved my sense of humor until yesterday, when it was replaced by my daughter spitting up in my husband's face while he was kissing her. Now that was funny.

Keep up the excellent commentary - you have no idea how many of us are depending on it.

[Jennifer]

There are SEX parties?? Why did no one fill me in on these BEFORE I got married and had a child? Now I have to be all respectable.....

[Jen P]

This has to be one of the funniest posts I've ever read in a blog and I'm always returning to read this. No matter how sad a day I'm having, this post cheers me up. So thanks and have a nice b-day.

[Karin]

hint hint the sex parties ALWAYS happen when the kids are in school usually between 10am - 2pm they are ALL the rage lol.

Hope your sicckyness is over soon :( ive been sickified myself recently and have HAD IT UP TO HERE with the sickies.

[Kat]

Why why are you such an amazing writer? I would not have thought it possible to so viciously identify and visualize such a setting until I read this blog. I have no child, no husband, no New York living experiences...but this, this scene I recognize in all of its glorious aspects. Hipster emo shows, foundation conferences, geek speak cliques...you may be the buddha of bloggers!